So.
For those of who don’t know...and honestly wouldn’t necessarily have a reason to (as all of this has happened in the last four weeks and those weeks included the holidays, for mere baseline example)...I spent last week at a “working interview”. The long story short is that I came into contact with the director at Camp Michindoh’s Outdoor Education School JUST before Christmas – inquiring about an opening I had been made aware of and looking for a job description. Some baseline correspondence, an exchange of my resume and a phone call later and I was set up for an interview...a working interview. Meaning I moved into Michindoh for a week where, for all practical purposes, I pretended I worked there and became acquainted with the program and staff as both sides evaluated whether or not we were right for each other. And so the real story begins...
The fact of the matter remains; I was never quite sure what to do with the idea of being part of the Outdoor Ed. program. The idea intrigued me, the possibilities excited me, the potential was worth pursuing. And, let’s face it; they were one of very few e-mails that didn’t respond to my inquiry with “thank you for your interest BUT...” However, I was also unsure. Me, teaching outdoor skills and science classes? Me, the one who hates to be cold and ran away from the idea of elementary education some time during junior year of high school? Me, committing to a camp completely separate from the one I had been affiliated with for the last 14+ years? Me?
Except here’s the thing (and really where this story finds its merit): I promised to be faithful.
Faithful to wherever God was leading. Wherever He was directing. For whatever that might mean.
As I ended last summer without a plan after a summer of searching, it was my answer and direction. I asked God what was next and He told me to just be faithful. I promised to keep my eyes open for where I believed Him to be leading and to follow open doors until I felt like they were shut, locked, boarded, or inaccessible. More than one path and perusal has led to a shut door. For at least one other instance, being faithful meant seeing where the door had been open for me to walk through but was being blocked off in other ways.
And so, despite my lingering uncertainty, I took hold of the present excitement and moved forward. Forward into a week at Michindoh with an experience I could not and did not know how to anticipate.
Everything considered, from a practical point of view, the week went well. I found myself capable, the situation plausible, the environment welcoming. Camp was camp and it felt natural. I was, in general, enjoying myself and was impressed with both the program and the staff. Still, my personal anxiety ran high and I was ill at ease inside. This bothered me as there was no trigger to my warring internal madness.
Except for the fact that I knew that my “outsider” status had me as more than just a visitor. Michindoh was on display as I sought to put myself as a player in their world and I was equally, if not even more, on display as they evaluated me for the same task. At the end of the day I was not only unsure but I was uncertain and uneasy. I was capable but I didn’t care. I didn’t have passion for the mission or the ministry. Like an XL sweatshirt, I fit into it but it didn’t really fit me and if I was being honest, I didn’t want the job.
My reasons might be another story because there was a problem...want it or not, I really had no reason to say no. Without a formal job offer, I was considering where I stood if the decision was up to me. All of my personal life-evaluating questions came back positive. I had no qualms (other than the fact I HATE the cold and I spend several hours outside every day) and I was having a good week...but I also had little desire to take the job. The very simplicity of this dilemma began to consume my thoughts. My analytical mind wanted reasons and certainties and clarity. All of which were lacking. (The internal debate was quite a bit more complex and pulled with a great intensity)
I wanted something official, obvious. Did I take the job? Did I move home? When friends were told about the week I was spending and said they’d be praying I made requests for two things: peace and discernment. I hated the fact that I wanted things I felt like were given promises and they were the two things I most felt lacking. I wanted God to give me a stop light red or a flashing green beckoning to where He was at...where He wanted me...the decision He would bless. “Speak louder!” I told God on Wednesday. “Nothing is coming in clear!”
Frustrated, out loud I questioned: “Just yes or no, okay? Am I supposed to be here? Should I move back home?” In the depths of who I am – I felt like Jesus was shrugging His shoulders. With an indifferent look my response to both was “meh”. Not yes, not no, “meh”. The answer was the one I wanted the least yet fit in with my inability to articulate basic want in either direction. “Meh?? What does that mean??” But I knew what “meh” meant...or at least the answer seemed fairly obvious. We give the “meh” answer when the answer isn’t actually yes and is technically no but we still allow it...
Meh.
So I wasn’t really supposed to be either place? But I could be. I had the “if you wish” answer for whatever my choosing. I only had two options. So it had to be one of them – I had to make the choice. After some talks with Jesus, I took this to mean that neither place was what He had in store for me. But He was also waiting to reveal whether or not a door number three existed and so I was to stake claim on a decision and be faithful in that choice as I continued to seek what and where door number three might be. After way too much inner turmoil (more than necessary for sure)...I chose ‘no’. If I wasn’t going to be doing the ministry I loved (whatever that actually is...) in a place I felt specifically called (wherever that actually is...) then I my-as-well go home to my own bed at night.
After that decision – which only I had only officially stated to myself and texted to those two or three in on my mental turmoil – was square dance night. I had made my choice but I still had a day left to my week commitment and if you know me, you know about my commitments. I may have been done but I would give it my all for the time I had left. (In summary...) I was...ridiculous. I used to have a real goofy side which has been shoved down for the “my life has to be serious right now” phase I’ve been through in the last 3+ years. Camp has been one place it still comes out from time to time and with the ho-down, it did. What did I have to lose? I made up my own motions to popular songs and asked 5th grade boys to be my partners and generally made a fool of myself. Enters re-decision phase one: I was reminded I do enjoy kids (even if they aren’t my teenagers) and have fun doing life – especially the silly – with them.
Re-decision phase two is actually quite a bit more important. If significantly cheesier. Our square dance numbers of twangy “Cotton-Eyed Joe” and “I Saw the Light” were interrupted by more traditional and known numbers (to which I made up my own “dance” moves). While dancing with one particularly embarrassed (to be seen with me) 5th grade boy, our three-man staff band started playing Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”. As the song played and I sang and danced and did the Virginia Wheel along...I was struck by this song where these two people loved each other enough to support each other’s dreams...knowing together they had enough. First the one and then the other declares in the chorus that with a clasped hand, they can make it regardless of what befalls. Living on prayers takes reckless abandon. Taking hold of the hand on the other end is trust.
Choosing either choice (to take the job I was formally offered or to move back home) was going to take reckless abandon. Neither of them had me “making it”. Neither of them were the big plan nor purpose God has in store. Neither choice made sense. But I had to make one and to be faithful in it was going to prove trust. God and I had a big convo about trust at the end of November. Here and now He was saying, “take my hand and prove that you trust Me. If I am for you, who can be against you? The fact you have Me is already more than you need. Make a choice in the reckless abandon of faith and trust and I will continue to work in and through you for My glory...”
When it all came down, I decided I was more afraid to take the job than to move home (hence ‘no’ was the easy choice) – because I was afraid of failing and not measuring up and not being good enough and not being as passionate as I should be about what I was doing. But I also realized Michindoh was a deliberate channel for my energies with specific things and people to invest in...regardless of its disconnect from long-term desire. So I told them ‘yes’. I am more confident in this decision than I was in saying no and I look forward to the adventure that will make up my next six months (I’m committed only through this season, the first part of June).
More so, however, I look forward to seeing how God will use this stepping stone (which seems to be one to the side, rather than forward) to move me towards what He has for me next. And when THAT comes, may I respond with a similar but greater reckless abandon...where I’m willing to go without question to where He is. And may I continue to develop and prove the trust I so wish to claim...by taking His hand and knowing that the love He has for me is a lot and even if I’m just living on a prayer (which some days I feel like I am)...together Jesus and I will make it, (I swear). Find me faithful...
No comments:
Post a Comment