(This was written to be posted almost three weeks ago. But Socrates and I have been fighting. Oops! Better late than never?)
Changes are coming in the life of Anika J. Kasper. It’s a season of transition to be sure and to
say the least. And while I don’t know
yet the full extent or length or potential of transition, the very nature has
made me quite reflective.
For one, it has made reflective on my last two and a half
years. And it’s made me realize how many
little things for which I’ve taken advantage.
As I approach a new stage – even if it’s just a different summer job – I
realized I was already facing the anxiety of people and relationships and
encountering people I don’t know and furthermore, don’t know me.
It’s made me realize that, after two and a half years, this
introvert had to do little hiding. I
mean, I still do/did…but not to the extent I once did. After two and a half years of living and working
with the same basic team… I’m known. Not
deeply by everyone. But I dare say that
few on my team would have trouble telling you (at least at the basic level…and
for good or bad) who I am and what I triumph and for what I stand. They could give you the basics of my
character; they could highlight my soapboxes and most common rants; they could
probably tell you what they thought I represented and made evident.
There was some comfort in being known. It meant that whether people loved me or
hated me, their opinion wasn’t going to change much. I was who I was and I could be who I am. As a person who cares, lets be honest, far
too much what other people think, it was nice to have a set “image”. It was nice not to be in constant fear about
what people saw when they saw me and whether or not they liked it. I relaxed…
Which was good but also came at a loss. At my job, I saw HUNDREDS of new faces every
week, but I’d become to get lazy. I stopped
wondering and caring what people saw. But
the question remained…what did they see?
It’s been a question on my mind for over a week. A new, young friend was running errands with
me towards the end of the season. She
had been staying at my apartment and helping us fill the need for instructors at
the end of our crazy, busy season. Some
comical accidental injury took place and I turned to remind her swiftly that
“safety first was my number two rule!”
“You’ve been living me with two weeks,” I followed emphatically, “you
should know this by now!”
I comically proclaimed that after two weeks, my rhetorical
rule and catch phrase ought to be glaringly obvious. But this proclamation left me with a
cringe. A visible one on my face. After two weeks…after any amount of time,
really…what become my unspoken realities?
What things were true and emphasized in my life before I could put words
to them? If my life were to look
seriously into the eyes of another and proclaim “you should know this by now!”
What would it say?
What do people know after me after spending not so much time
with me at all? If you lived with me for
two weeks…would you know true things?
True things about me? True things
about the world? What does my life
triumph when my lips are triumphing nothing at all?
Convicted.
I was afraid then…as I fear now…that in my “relaxed” stage,
I had become not only lazy but neglectful.
I was allowing “true” things and pieces about me to show…and sometimes
they were covering, shading, and what I wanted to be the truest things.
If people were to be asked to describe me, in a sentence,
what would they say? Would I be
embarrassed by the answer? Embarrassed,
admittedly, because I have a pride issue…
But also embarrassed because of a humility in the answers and their
representation of my life.
When people see me…what do they see?
Do any of them see Jesus?
I cringe because I think the answer could be “no”.
There is a Sidewalk Prophets song entitled “Live Like That”. It’s a couple years old now but I just
obtained the album it’s on and caught a line I hadn’t remembered hearing
before. The artist proclaims “people
pass…and even if they don’t know my name…is there evidence that I’ve been
changed? When they see me, do they see You?”
And there was the question.
The conundrum in a nutshell. It’s
left me cringing, questioning, and wanting.
Wanting to be a life both passionate and alive. Wanting to disappear into the shadows That
the world would look and miss Anika – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and mostly,
mostly just see Jesus.
I wanna live like that…
“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of
the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you
in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving
together as one for the faith of the gospel.”
