Some Thinking with Three of my Fave Bible Dudes...

This weekend, for whatever triggered the thought, I began contemplating the favorite Sunday School Bible Story of the fiery furnace. It is a great story. Three guys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to bow down and worship anyone but God the one true King. So, they are thrown into a furnace which is so hot it kills the people throwing them in. And yet, when the presence of God in the furnace with the three blows the mind of the king, they are ordered out (my guess is the furnace was still pretty hot...what are the chances the king lost a pile of “go-to-it” guys that day? Just saying...). Their hair is not scorched. They do not even smell of smoke. The king acknowledges the presence of one stronger than he. Awesome. Best Bible story ever.

But the triggered thought didn’t need a recapitulation of the story, the story I knew. My thought was originally this: even before Jesus, those who most adamantly served God had to endure the fire. I began to think about the fires I’ve had to walk through. Fires that, regardless of cause...I mean, maybe they weren’t demanding I bow down and worship another king...called me to faithfully respond in praise to the One who stands with me through it.

And then I was frustrated. A little perturbed. Slightly jealous. You see, when the three amigos made it out of “Hell’s Kitchen”, they were completely unscathed. They were unaffected by the fire and didn’t reek of experience. “What???” I shouted at this sudden realization. “Are you serious??? That’s not fair! Why is my life a system of all the remnants of every fire I’ve ever been through – fires God has not only stood with me through, but held me in?? How did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego get out scotch free???” My thoughts continued on like this for quite some time.

Until it occurred to me there was so much of the story untold. Part of us imagine these superheroes who just sort of took on the fire with their bravery and skill. Walked out, traded war stories, and went out like men to see if they could start a bigger fire! But the Bible doesn’t tell us that...we’ve just given ourselves this image. Really, there is much the Bible never said. For all we know, Meshach went home and cried like a baby for nights when he wasn’t sleeping because he was still scared sick. For all we know, Shadrach spent the hours in the furnace wetting himself again and again. For all we know, for the rest of his life, Abednego refused to even start a fire...let alone roast a good marshmallow. While we are imagining three grown men trading stories about the weather with the Creator, just waiting for the king to get the hint, for all we know, the three stood held together with the presence of God pleading “please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t leave...whatever happens in this fire, please don’t leave!” In fact, part of me imagines the latter is closer to the truth than not...

For all which remains unspoken, this remains unforgettable: the presence of God never left. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego may very well have been seriously affected by the furnace which spared their life without so much as a physical marking of their experience. I doubt they went around bragging about the fire they had been in...how could they? Amazingly, the same fire which killed the kings biggest and best gave way to the testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness. Amazingly, they simply came out proclaiming the God who Is. Amazingly, my fires ask me to do the same...

Although I Try...

I’ve done my best.

I’ve tried my hardest.

I do what I can to try and not go anywhere on a pity trip. To not feel bad for myself.

I do whatever it takes to prove I’m not a glass doll.

So, I have some...issues. So what? Who doesn’t, right? So I’ve got a few more than most people...is that supposed to make a difference? Please don’t see me as less capable. Please don’t see me as some child that needs to be quarantined in a bubble suit in a padded room. Please don’t treat me like a god when I pull off things amidst what appears to be the least desirable circumstances...

I just want to be normal.

I just want to do life...

And yet, sometimes it’s hard.

One thing after another after another.

I’m hardly off the ground before something else comes to kick my face in.

Sometimes it’s just a little guy kicking me in the shins. Barely hard enough to trip me up without actually making me fall. And sometimes it’s the big bully who knows I’m about to get back up and sticks around to give me a good push down again anyways. [Heck, how long has Wilson been, in some way, shape, or form, the epitome of this bullying scum bag??]

And so sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes it’s hard to look someone in the eye and say “Umm, yeah, it does sort of hurt but it’s not so bad...it’s only a week and a half without being able to do anything with my dominant hand. It could be a lot worse...”

Sometimes all I want to say is “Umm, yeah, you’re right, it does suck. If I get punched in the gut one more time I can’t promise I’ll have the will to try one more time. This whole ‘I get knocked down’ bit? Yeah...it could be better...”

It’s not really that I want to bask in my unfortunate circumstances. It’s not even that I want to quit trying.

It just that don’t get it...

I don’t get why some lives seem to have the same problems I do and some seem to have it worse and so many seem to have the “I can’t believe I chose turkey when there was salami!!!” style lives...where the worst things that go wrong, well, they really aren’t the worst things at all.

I don’t get why my life is a series of unfortunate events...without any breaths or breaks between the chapters. Not just with health stuff, but with all of it. They take turns and so I’m never given an opportunity to just...be.

And for as much as I want to be strong through it all...

I can’t always be.

Yet I’m not really allowed to be anything but.

At some point, they want to and do care...but mostly no one is really that interested in the traumatic story of my life and I have been told several times I shouldn't be either. I'm not allowed to let things get me down.

So here I sit, alone, bemoaning life’s seeming immediate unfairness. Because, right now, it just feels overwhelming...too much.

I try my hardest.

I do my best.

But sometimes, apparently, my best just isn’t good enough.

Sound and Fury

Sound and Fury
AK January 2010

I cover my ears from the piercing shrill;
Chaotic cacophony plaguing me still.
A strand of hair breezes my face as yet another passes by...
I cower down.
I want to hide.
So many things I cannot control...
So much life I cannot hold.

Reach through the abyss
Of sound and of fury.
I am lost in this black hole
And the darkness does bury.
So find me.
I’m calling.
Calling you to set me free.

Do you hear
The shouting voices?
Do you feel
The tormenting wind?
Do you hear
The demanding noises?
Do you feel
My breath caving in?

Reach through the abyss
Of sound and of fury.
Lost in this black hole -
The darkness does bury.
So find me.
I’m calling
Find me -I’m falling;
Falling on my knees.

Rescue me in this life I surrender.
Redeem me from the self I abhor.
Deliver me from the abyss of confusion.
Empty me until I exist no more.
Release me from the burden I carry...
Unleash me from the sound and the fury.