It’s that time of year.
The time of year which comes almost as faithfully as my
desire for it to leave.
It’s that time of year where, quite literally, winter will
not end. That time where it feels as if
winter has been here forever and though I long for any temperature which will
allow me to be without a shiver and without purple fingers and blue
lips…inside, spring seems desperately far away.
The cold remains.
It’s that time of year where my copious amounts of Vitamin
C, my obsessive hand washing in conjunction with my hand sanitizer fetish, and
my attempts to drink enough water and maintain healthy habits have finally
failed me. The cold has set in and so
has a
cold. My nose runs faster than a track
star and my sneezing registers on the Richter Scale. It’s that time of year where “feeling
miserable” feels, well, predictable.
It’s that time of year where I’m just…tired. The sun has been covered for too long. My Vitamin D3 is feeling the lag. My body fights harder to stay warm and to be
healthy and to walk on slippery cement and I collapse into bed at night and
hope the short hours will be enough.
But the hours are always too short. Both to sleep and to be awake. I can never get all the sleep I wish for and
I can never complete all my to-do list insists upon. And let’s not even talk about the things I
can only dream of…The things I would complete if I had a second and separate
life to live…
This is the reality.
The unfortunate truth. The likely
story in which I am not a lone character.
At one point, this reality would have bothered me. I was just a cape short of a superhero and
there was nothing I was incapable of doing if I didn’t try hard enough…
And I wanted to be
the superhero. Pridefully, I think I
wanted to be seen as the superhero as well.
My egotistical side (which I am ashamed to admit I have) wanted to be
seen as one who could and would do it all…with the help of Jesus and two cups
of coffee or less! I liked better to be told to sit down and rest for a second
– told to not carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders – that I was
doing too much and needn’t try so hard. To be told not to be a superhero than to be
asked to try…
But right now? Right
now being a superhero sounds freaking exhausting! Not only can I not do it all, there is not a glimmer in me wanting to.
And that’s a blow to my pride if there ever was one. Not much damages it quicker. It’s almost embarrassing in my Dutch
stubbornness to admit I, in fact, am not capable of it all.
Yet, it seems almost too easy to admit. I recall looking at a coworker who came to me
with a problem late in the week that I was given the impression I was expected
to swoop in and fix. And all I truly
recall about the problem is that something inside of me snapped. “No.”
I said emphatically (I almost never say “no”…). “I can’t. If I had known about this sooner I
could have tried, if indeed it has been an all week problem, but not on
Thursday afternoon. There is too much
else to be done. And I, I’m only human…”
The response wasn’t a pleasant one but it was my
reality. And the response I was given
was one of frustration. The tug-a-war
being placed on my psyche to both swoop in and save the day and feeling
completely incapable tore at me until I finally crashed that night. That night when still the words “I’m only
human” radiated through my brain like a scrolling marquee…
It was a helpless admittance of defeat. To claim I was human was to make me no better
than every other pathetic chap and worse than most.
I have been drawn in the days since to my favorite Michael
Jackson song (made my favorite by Free Willy.
Don’t Judge). The song “Will You Be There?” The song begs for someone to
be there. To fight for him. To befriend him. To love him unconditionally. You can hear the
weariness of life in the words. And then
comes this set of lines I tend to remember when I only mumble the words before and
after… “But they told me…A man should be faithful…And walk when not able…And
fight til the end…But I’m only human…”
But I’m only human…
Many times I’ve tried to walk when not able and be the last
one standing, still fighting. To somehow
prove my faithfulness. My faithfulness
to people. My faithfulness to my
job. And especially, and most importantly,
faithfulness to God. Yet, my voice and my
walk riddles with the weariness life gives and my response is a same helpless
but emphatic “I’m only human…”
And sometimes I wonder whether or not God celebrates when
I wearily admit “But I’m only human…” As
if he is sitting there throwing up His hands declaring “Finally! Now that she knows she’s human, maybe she
will allow me to be God!” I’m really
good at attempting to take life by the horns and into my own hands. I see it as being faithful but what it’s not
is surrender. Surrender is being
faithful to follow and always allowing God to have the control and the first
place in my life. If God is second (or
further down on the list), almost assuredly true faithfulness is as well.
I forget God created and designed me as a human. He could have made me anything and he made
me, me. And while I, and others in the
world, will sometimes ask what He was thinking… this is what and who I am. He made me Anika. A mere mortal. Which means, drum roll please, He doesn’t
need me! I can attempt to complete the
longest to-do list my job has ever known and I can stop to take a bow when the
last black line has crossed the bulleted list, yet the applause will be only
superficial if I did through my own power alone and for my praise alone…to add
another badge to my superhero girl scout troop cape. No, when working for the kingdom, I am but a
tool that God chooses to employ. A mere
mortal which allows Christ to be the increase. Paul reminds me in 2 Corinthians
that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. Admitting I’m human remains proof that any
superhero quality I display is that of a mere clay pot… fantastically ordinary
holding the Extraordinary, any greatness not of my own.
I’ve discovered and am discovering too that admitting I’m
human comes with its own surrender. Of
arrogance and pride. Of my desire to be
God (Which thankfully I am not!) And as long as I’m laying those aside, I’m not
only allowed but invited to ask for help.
Human help is nice (as are the days when their arms can hold and carry)
but God’s faithfulness and presence is as sure as mine is riddled with
infidelity...
The answer to “Will You be there?” is always “I already
am.” Psalm 145:18 says “The Lord is near
to all who call on him…” and Jeremiah 29:13 promises that if we seek we will
find when we seek with all of our heart.
Furthermore the Psalmist questions in Psalm 139 where we can go to get
away from God’s spirit and how far we would have to flee to get away from God’s
presence. 1 John 4 tells us that if we
know love, God abides in us and Jesus promises in the book of John to send the
Holy Spirit as the “comforter” or "advocate" to be with us always. "Will You be there?" "Always..."
It’s that time of year again…
The one which I wish would simply leave…
I stumble when I walk and want to give up before the end of
the fight…
And it turns out I’m only human.
May God be given the glory in this life I once again
surrender to the Arms which have always been there to carry and to hold…
