Last fall, when I moved home, I spent considerable time trying to lay claim on my bedroom – which before lay unclaimed. And I began decorating.
In the last year, I’ve fallen in quite a rich fondness with black and white décor. When this summer I put together a prayer mosaic consisting of dozens of black and white photos, it became the center piece for much of the redesigning I undertook. I completed the wall (which would become the central focus of my room) by purchasing black picture frames and placing abstract photo negatives...one reading “Faith, Hope, Love” and the other reading simply “Joy”.
I had just barely finished arranging them all on my wall – looking at the arrangement as a whole with a degree of satisfaction when “Joy” came crashing from its nail and onto the floor. The grueling task of trying to make sure every little piece of furniture had a perfect spot had taken its toll. It was late and I was tired. With frustration I moved the desk and retrieved the picture only to discover there was a clean crack in the new glass that extended from top to bottom and marred the presentation as a whole.
“Perfect!” I replied both sarcastically and more than slightly upset. I resolved myself to buying a new frame and put the picture back on the wall for the time being.
The next morning, when I woke up, the very small bars of light which make its way into my basement bedroom as the sun begins to rise settled across my newly decorated wall. One of those bars of light caught and accentuated the crack in my fallen ‘Joy’. I scowled again. And yet, as I went to brush my teeth, it occurred to me that the picture itself was fine. The crack – even with the sun scattering light across its surface – didn’t hide the word.
I decided to give up my scowl and ignore it. It was a clean break. The rest of my room was all but in order for a “as good as it gets” conclusion to my temporary placement and my parent’s permanent residence. I could get a new frame another day.
And so it remained.
Everyone who visited my room noticed it. They would always point it out like I probably didn’t know. “There is a crack in the glass of your picture!” Um, yup, thanks.
Weeks past. Months were flipped on the calendar. And I left it. Left it cracked. In fact, when I moved recently, it was placed in a box with the other essentials from my bedroom at home and the whole arrangement was placed on my new bedroom wall in a similar manner as before. Complete with the marred piece of glass covering the word ‘Joy’.
Not long afterwards one of my housemates saw it and stated “oh no! Your picture is broken!”
I chuckled and smirked. “Yep. It’s always been broken. I like it that way.”
Because I do.
Somewhere in the midst of a challenging fall – more challenging than the obvious states or I share; somewhere in the midst of a wrestling match with the God I knows loves me first, loves me most, loves me best; somewhere in the midst of a life I couldn’t quite process and a future I couldn’t anticipate...it clicked.
Even though I couldn’t and can’t always claim it, the word and profundity and inclusion of the word ‘Joy’ was truer inside of a broken frame.
Sometimes I, as a long term believer, would hear people talk about joy and want to smack them. When my faith lost its rose-colored glasses in the middle of cancer diagnosis, the word made me embittered. It wasn’t the essence of the word; it was the way people talked about it. Like it was a body cast sized band-aid...like if I applied it properly nothing would hurt. The realist in me said “God allows bad days! I’m not supposed to wallow in them but stop telling me to find the ‘joy of the Lord’ every time my life feels off! I don’t think that word means what you think it means...”
Maybe I was a little extra embittered, but I also think part of me was right. Joy is a fruit of the spirit. Which means it comes by mere simplicity as a supernatural gift. It doesn’t need to mask, cover, or perfect. It doesn’t need ideal conditions to be made apparent or known or real. It stands alone.
Joy is not the opposite of sad. It is not the antonym to pain. It is not the alternative to a bad day. It just is. Joy is. In the same way love and peace and patience and self control (when given from God in that ‘supernatural gift’ sort of way) don’t make sense in comparison to the rest of life...joy stands alone.
And, in fact, like one lighting bug in a night sky, joy is made most and best known not in spite but in midst of a world that seems off. Because true joy doesn’t make sense when up against the rest...but it still, is. Joy is.
Every time I look at my flawed art on the wall, I smile in satisfaction. Because joy exists behind brokenness...behind the cracks...behind the pieces people want fixed, replaced, and ignored.
Joy is a gift. And also a choice. Because my circumstances, surroundings, busy head or busy hands or busy life, don’t dictate its ability to exist...they also don’t get to dictate my response. Joy is a choice...and the choice to claim...always.
2 Corinthians 7:4b “...I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.”
1 Thessalonians 1:6 “You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit”
Psalm 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...”
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Known and Loved?
Do you feel like you are known? Do you feel loved?
This has been a recurring question in my head (in the most interesting of ways) as I look into eyes of those around me (sometimes my own) for some time and especially over the last week or so...
About a month ago a friend and I talked about being “known and loved” as one of the greatest and truest needs. We were discussing teenagers but watching as our words translated to the human population as a whole.
Do you feel like you are known? Do you feel loved?
Not just known in that people can tell you your name and the fact that you are “nice” and maybe even the fact that your favorite color is green...but do they know you? Do they know real things? True things? Do they know what you love? What you hate? What makes your blood flow? What you’re passionate about? Places that hurt? Anything below the surface at all?
Not just loved in that they smile when they see you. Not just that they can tell you that they think “you’re great”. Not even that they might come to wrap you in an embrace from time to time. Are they intentional with you? Do they stick around for the good days and the bad? Do they listen selflessly and give sacrificially? Do you see an unconditional regard and acceptance?
Is there even an endeavor towards those things?
What about being known AND loved? Do people who know you still love you in and despite and because of what they know? Do people who claim to love you actually know real things?
Do you have people in your life who know and love you?
I hope so.
I pray so.
Those in my life who meet (or have been in my life for times and purposes and have met) those pieces of criteria have helped me glimpse at things bigger and greater. They’ve had the power to speak to my soul; to help me see something more; to encourage; to rebuke; to uplift; to challenge. To help me seek more fully the face of Christ...
Others agree.
Out-of-the-woodwork conversations (aka: “why are you bringing up the topic in my head that I haven’t told you about?”) this week have gone back to the original – that this is a need. A need that, with a healthily fulfilled end, would change the world. Would establish a sense of solidarity, community, accountability, and brother/sisterhood with one-another deep enough to impact in ways far beyond comprehension and intention.
This need finds itself linked to a profound desire. We want because we need and we need because we want. There is a longing inside of us to be loved and known like that. And yes, absolutely, we have it in Jesus. Without a doubt, without a question. If we forget this, we are not well off. And yet (yes, perhaps this is surprising to you) I have no intention to focus on that.
Why?
Because sometimes I get freaking frustrated with the people that say “yes, I have that in Jesus and that is all I need” and walk away.
No.
I mean, yes, true, but NO!
Paul says “Now, YOU are the body of Christ and EACH ONE of YOU are a part of it.” YOU are the hands. YOU are the feet. YOU are those still small touches. Jesus, yes...but YOU are a part of that body, HIS body. YOU are a part of that outsourcing. We can not claim a promise of God and then refuse to be the one to deliver it should we be so asked or instructed.
There is no reason people should not be able to look to other people to be known and loved. People need people to be known and loved. To be reminded of the ONE who knows and loves perfectly and without err.
We need to be that for each other. We need to be intentional. On purpose. Invested. Empowered. Deliberate. We have to be willing to get under people’s skin from time to time. We have to get out of our comfort zones, challenge others out of theirs. Live deeper and more meaningfully.
Because the longer we go without it, the more we pretend it doesn’t exist. You laugh, but I’m not kidding. Talk to people who have always heard but never seen or experienced snow. They honestly think it is a Michigan (for example as we see a lot of it) conspiracy – that we’ve made it up. The first time they encounter it, it blows their mind. We do the same thing. Being known and loved sounds legit enough and one can know they need it, know they desire it, but when you don’t see it – it’s easy to think it is a conspiracy of the cruel. Propaganda at best.
[Why aren’t we blowing people’s minds with the reality of it??]
We begin to compensate for it. Either the pain of its absence is too hard and so we bury attempts to know and love, the hopes for the same: assume it doesn’t exist or act like it never will. Or, we substitute. It occurred to me in a couple different situations this week where, with people I thought I was known and loved, I was merely "recognized and appreciated". How often is this true of most? How often do we allow it to mask and replace what we really need, truly desire?
It is similar, isn’t it? To be recognized and appreciated makes one think they are known and loved. “I’m like a celebrity! Everyone is familiar with my face when they see it and their own face lights up and they are even going to come talk to me for a minute or two. And then, as I talk to them and ask them about their life...they are going to thank me for that note I sent a month ago. They are going to tell me I’m wonderful. Maybe even use the words ‘I just love you’ and then the conversation ends and I smile thinking about how much I like people!” And then I walk away trying to understand why there is an empty space screaming inside. Like going for a glass of soda and realizing the bottle went flat. Because being recognized and appreciated plays like being known and loved – but it’s not the same thing. It’s not. And it leaves you wanting the real thing or pretending it’s enough.
I feel like the longer we allow ‘recognized and appreciated’ to be our most satisfactory replacement for what it means to be known and loved, the further we’ll be from ever making a difference. I feel like this is the answer, the open door, the step to the next step. And I feel like probably, in the end “yeah, but do you know what you’re asking?” will probably win. Convenience and ease have a way of beating things that have a tendency to echo true.
I feel like this is the point where I should be reaching some profound conclusion or offering some compelling challenge. But all I’ve got is all I’ve said. My concern is that if we don’t start to do something soon, if nothing changes...then nothing will change.
This has been a recurring question in my head (in the most interesting of ways) as I look into eyes of those around me (sometimes my own) for some time and especially over the last week or so...
About a month ago a friend and I talked about being “known and loved” as one of the greatest and truest needs. We were discussing teenagers but watching as our words translated to the human population as a whole.
Do you feel like you are known? Do you feel loved?
Not just known in that people can tell you your name and the fact that you are “nice” and maybe even the fact that your favorite color is green...but do they know you? Do they know real things? True things? Do they know what you love? What you hate? What makes your blood flow? What you’re passionate about? Places that hurt? Anything below the surface at all?
Not just loved in that they smile when they see you. Not just that they can tell you that they think “you’re great”. Not even that they might come to wrap you in an embrace from time to time. Are they intentional with you? Do they stick around for the good days and the bad? Do they listen selflessly and give sacrificially? Do you see an unconditional regard and acceptance?
Is there even an endeavor towards those things?
What about being known AND loved? Do people who know you still love you in and despite and because of what they know? Do people who claim to love you actually know real things?
Do you have people in your life who know and love you?
I hope so.
I pray so.
Those in my life who meet (or have been in my life for times and purposes and have met) those pieces of criteria have helped me glimpse at things bigger and greater. They’ve had the power to speak to my soul; to help me see something more; to encourage; to rebuke; to uplift; to challenge. To help me seek more fully the face of Christ...
Others agree.
Out-of-the-woodwork conversations (aka: “why are you bringing up the topic in my head that I haven’t told you about?”) this week have gone back to the original – that this is a need. A need that, with a healthily fulfilled end, would change the world. Would establish a sense of solidarity, community, accountability, and brother/sisterhood with one-another deep enough to impact in ways far beyond comprehension and intention.
This need finds itself linked to a profound desire. We want because we need and we need because we want. There is a longing inside of us to be loved and known like that. And yes, absolutely, we have it in Jesus. Without a doubt, without a question. If we forget this, we are not well off. And yet (yes, perhaps this is surprising to you) I have no intention to focus on that.
Why?
Because sometimes I get freaking frustrated with the people that say “yes, I have that in Jesus and that is all I need” and walk away.
No.
I mean, yes, true, but NO!
Paul says “Now, YOU are the body of Christ and EACH ONE of YOU are a part of it.” YOU are the hands. YOU are the feet. YOU are those still small touches. Jesus, yes...but YOU are a part of that body, HIS body. YOU are a part of that outsourcing. We can not claim a promise of God and then refuse to be the one to deliver it should we be so asked or instructed.
There is no reason people should not be able to look to other people to be known and loved. People need people to be known and loved. To be reminded of the ONE who knows and loves perfectly and without err.
We need to be that for each other. We need to be intentional. On purpose. Invested. Empowered. Deliberate. We have to be willing to get under people’s skin from time to time. We have to get out of our comfort zones, challenge others out of theirs. Live deeper and more meaningfully.
Because the longer we go without it, the more we pretend it doesn’t exist. You laugh, but I’m not kidding. Talk to people who have always heard but never seen or experienced snow. They honestly think it is a Michigan (for example as we see a lot of it) conspiracy – that we’ve made it up. The first time they encounter it, it blows their mind. We do the same thing. Being known and loved sounds legit enough and one can know they need it, know they desire it, but when you don’t see it – it’s easy to think it is a conspiracy of the cruel. Propaganda at best.
[Why aren’t we blowing people’s minds with the reality of it??]
We begin to compensate for it. Either the pain of its absence is too hard and so we bury attempts to know and love, the hopes for the same: assume it doesn’t exist or act like it never will. Or, we substitute. It occurred to me in a couple different situations this week where, with people I thought I was known and loved, I was merely "recognized and appreciated". How often is this true of most? How often do we allow it to mask and replace what we really need, truly desire?
It is similar, isn’t it? To be recognized and appreciated makes one think they are known and loved. “I’m like a celebrity! Everyone is familiar with my face when they see it and their own face lights up and they are even going to come talk to me for a minute or two. And then, as I talk to them and ask them about their life...they are going to thank me for that note I sent a month ago. They are going to tell me I’m wonderful. Maybe even use the words ‘I just love you’ and then the conversation ends and I smile thinking about how much I like people!” And then I walk away trying to understand why there is an empty space screaming inside. Like going for a glass of soda and realizing the bottle went flat. Because being recognized and appreciated plays like being known and loved – but it’s not the same thing. It’s not. And it leaves you wanting the real thing or pretending it’s enough.
I feel like the longer we allow ‘recognized and appreciated’ to be our most satisfactory replacement for what it means to be known and loved, the further we’ll be from ever making a difference. I feel like this is the answer, the open door, the step to the next step. And I feel like probably, in the end “yeah, but do you know what you’re asking?” will probably win. Convenience and ease have a way of beating things that have a tendency to echo true.
I feel like this is the point where I should be reaching some profound conclusion or offering some compelling challenge. But all I’ve got is all I’ve said. My concern is that if we don’t start to do something soon, if nothing changes...then nothing will change.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Passion, Desire, and Capabilities...
Passion, Desire, and Capabilities...
Passion is always about something external – outside of person, outside of self, about something else.
Desire is always about something internal – inside person, emotional and so changing, about self
Passion can fuel desire and desire can fuel passion but one must be careful of the foundation and/or motives as desire may fuel a selfish passion or passion may produce an unhealthy desire.
Capabilities without desire boils down to obligation and duty.
Capabilities without passion is self-sufficiency.
Desire without passion is often a prideful power trip...because desire is brought back to self.
Passion without desire is merely ideals and good intentions...because passion is about something external.
Capabilities without desire or passion is apathy.
Hmm...I haven’t done much blogging lately. I have quite a few things started as the beginning of a traditional Anika-style blog, but they go little further than a line or two. Those thoughts remain unaccounted. I have officially missed at least two, if not three weeks, of my self-proclaimed Blogging Challenge. Nothing like the onset of February for a New Year’s fail! I want to try and pick it up, but I make no promises. Somehow, despite the fact I enjoy compiling specific things to put on my blog in some version of coherent...I feel as if it is somewhat of an unfortunate trade off for my blog to get more action than my journal. Seeing as there is a single post for February and a single journal entry for February, I’d dare say they are about – although unfairly – even.
I think when it comes to my empty journal, I miss the freedom of the spill...the ability to place word after word on a screen that is soon filled in no matter of organization...as a means of simple release or detailing something meaningful or profound or maybe just to communicate thoughts without regards to audience or reason or whether either cares to listen.
When it comes to my blog, the writer in me misses intentionality. Blogging has this sense of putting words in some fashion acceptable for the other, I don’t know, two people in my cyber world to read. There is a flow and a connect and a desire to not just put myself out into cyberspace but to share part of my world.
Life being busy seems like an obvious but poor excuse for missing both of them. You should make time for the things you love. Or think you love. Yet, regardless of the fact I know I have passion for things as simple as writing, my desire as I sit exhausted at the end of the day wanes and my ability lacks as my days are full and my moments accounted for.
This, in combination with life in general, (honestly, my desire to journal as I got ready for bed one night last night was the trigger for quite an unrelated trajectory as I began to process many things through my muddled head), made me consider a few things. (That conversation would be an excessively long one...we won’t go there today.) I’ll simply note that I pondered the connection between passion, desire, and capabilities (listed above and again below)...feeling like things can happen in any one of the areas but somehow the combination was essential. I decided not to pre explain or justify my conclusions. Instead, I just list them as I pondered them. For whatever they are worth. And then I’ll post the whole of this to my blog...with thoughts that maybe my journal and my blog don’t need to fight for my quality time this round...
Passion, Desire, and Capabilities...
Passion is always about something external – outside of person, outside of self, about something else.
Desire is always about something internal – inside person, emotional and so changing, about self
Passion can fuel desire and desire can fuel passion but one must be careful of the foundation and/or motives as desire may fuel a selfish passion or passion may produce an unhealthy desire.
Capabilities without desire boils down to obligation and duty.
Capabilities without passion is self-sufficiency.
Desire without passion is often a prideful power trip...because desire is brought back to self.
Passion without desire is merely ideals and good intentions...because passion is about something external.
Capabilities without desire or passion is apathy.
Passion is always about something external – outside of person, outside of self, about something else.
Desire is always about something internal – inside person, emotional and so changing, about self
Passion can fuel desire and desire can fuel passion but one must be careful of the foundation and/or motives as desire may fuel a selfish passion or passion may produce an unhealthy desire.
Capabilities without desire boils down to obligation and duty.
Capabilities without passion is self-sufficiency.
Desire without passion is often a prideful power trip...because desire is brought back to self.
Passion without desire is merely ideals and good intentions...because passion is about something external.
Capabilities without desire or passion is apathy.
Hmm...I haven’t done much blogging lately. I have quite a few things started as the beginning of a traditional Anika-style blog, but they go little further than a line or two. Those thoughts remain unaccounted. I have officially missed at least two, if not three weeks, of my self-proclaimed Blogging Challenge. Nothing like the onset of February for a New Year’s fail! I want to try and pick it up, but I make no promises. Somehow, despite the fact I enjoy compiling specific things to put on my blog in some version of coherent...I feel as if it is somewhat of an unfortunate trade off for my blog to get more action than my journal. Seeing as there is a single post for February and a single journal entry for February, I’d dare say they are about – although unfairly – even.
I think when it comes to my empty journal, I miss the freedom of the spill...the ability to place word after word on a screen that is soon filled in no matter of organization...as a means of simple release or detailing something meaningful or profound or maybe just to communicate thoughts without regards to audience or reason or whether either cares to listen.
When it comes to my blog, the writer in me misses intentionality. Blogging has this sense of putting words in some fashion acceptable for the other, I don’t know, two people in my cyber world to read. There is a flow and a connect and a desire to not just put myself out into cyberspace but to share part of my world.
Life being busy seems like an obvious but poor excuse for missing both of them. You should make time for the things you love. Or think you love. Yet, regardless of the fact I know I have passion for things as simple as writing, my desire as I sit exhausted at the end of the day wanes and my ability lacks as my days are full and my moments accounted for.
This, in combination with life in general, (honestly, my desire to journal as I got ready for bed one night last night was the trigger for quite an unrelated trajectory as I began to process many things through my muddled head), made me consider a few things. (That conversation would be an excessively long one...we won’t go there today.) I’ll simply note that I pondered the connection between passion, desire, and capabilities (listed above and again below)...feeling like things can happen in any one of the areas but somehow the combination was essential. I decided not to pre explain or justify my conclusions. Instead, I just list them as I pondered them. For whatever they are worth. And then I’ll post the whole of this to my blog...with thoughts that maybe my journal and my blog don’t need to fight for my quality time this round...
Passion, Desire, and Capabilities...
Passion is always about something external – outside of person, outside of self, about something else.
Desire is always about something internal – inside person, emotional and so changing, about self
Passion can fuel desire and desire can fuel passion but one must be careful of the foundation and/or motives as desire may fuel a selfish passion or passion may produce an unhealthy desire.
Capabilities without desire boils down to obligation and duty.
Capabilities without passion is self-sufficiency.
Desire without passion is often a prideful power trip...because desire is brought back to self.
Passion without desire is merely ideals and good intentions...because passion is about something external.
Capabilities without desire or passion is apathy.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
When My Life Runs Purple
My computer rebooted itself and my Microsoft Word recovered a document I didn’t realize I lost. It held just two lines: “When My Life Runs Purple. Thoughts on everything that is wrong with the world and how knowing that God loves me has to be enough...”
I sighed. It was the beginning of something I didn’t have time to expound on. But the words still rang true. Perhaps even truer... Even if to you they don’t seem to make a lot of sense...
A couple weeks ago, I had a new but dear friend over at my house for a few days. Our time together was a fantastic blend of relaxed, chill, “we happen to be reading a book in the same room” time and intentional “off to do something” time...which meant there was any degree of conversation ranging from silly laughter to deep theological discussion. Talking about big things as well as the little things was pretty natural. But when we went to watch a movie, I think we were both expecting something laid back. At least in terms of experience. That was until we picked out the movie “Precious” from my family’s DVD collection – one still in its plastic and neither of us had watched. It was...intense.
We were speechless for quite some time and then began discussing this based-on-a-true-story, so-real-and-yet-so-unlike-our-lives film that had us both in shambles. And then, after praying together for the lives we couldn’t save and the world we couldn’t fix for a time which seemed too short for the length we were on our knees, we began to paint. Taking wooden lizards and primary colors out of a craft-store kit, we declared “Art Therapy”. It was an adventure for sure our hands were covered in the attempts of our art. With minds busy, I wished my hands were as covered in humanity.
As I went to wash off the paint, hot water spilled across my blue and red stained hands and the water ran out a deep shade of purple. The pain of humanity was spilling from my soul into my sink. It was a reflection of all that was wrong in the world.
And everything is wrong with the world. If you haven’t seen the movie “Precious”...take several deep breaths and consider it. (It will give you an idea of why people are driven to drink. I wanted a bottle of something hard though I don’t drink at all). It alone will give several good pictures. There are hundreds of things to care about because there are hundreds of things wrong. Listing them one by one would exceed my longest blog. The list would go on and on and on...
Those were my thoughts: Everything is wrong. And it sucks. It sucks because I’m just one person. It sucks because I care but trying to decipher what and how to do something about it in relationship to where I’ve been gifted and graced in both passions and abilities are entirely different matters. It sucks because I feel like for how obvious hurt and pain and the absolute digression of morality and the dilapidated state of existence...too many people (I included) just stand to the side...especially those who claim Jesus and should be doing the most, be the most covered in the red, blues, and purple of humanity. The economic divide, the educational divide, the location divide, the religion divide, the divide divide...and we stay divided. We never get close enough to do anything.
So what if my life runs purple...
The last couple of weeks we’ve had 5th graders from the urban Detroit (at camp). You can tell when you talk to a few of them – even over the course of just a couple of days – that they’ve seen a lot of life (we’ll leave the story there for now). My hands, and my heart, have been bleeding purple a lot over the last week. I want to reach in and touch something and I try, but I have just two and a half days to make a difference that will impact them for a lifetime.
Yeah right.
Which is why I must come to the same conclusion I did when I first jotted down arbitrary thoughts three weeks ago when my hands ran purple into my bathroom sink. I have to know the fact that God loves me is enough.
It has to be.
It has to be because if He loves me (of all people), then I know He loves them. If He loves them, then they are worth loving. I know that if He loves me then even if all I get are 48 hours...then I get 48 hours to show kids something different. If He loves them, then He holds the worlds I don’t and can’t. If He loves me, then I have forgiveness for the times I don’t live up to that love, don’t live up to the call to love them, for when I stand to the side and perpetuate the divide.
I can’t save the world – not from any job I find myself in – no more or less this one than the next. I will never be able to. It’s not my responsibility to save the world. I might not even, really, make much of an impact. But every day I find myself with an opportunity to look humanity square in the face (wherever in life or the world I may be) and watch as my life runs purple and know that I can’t save but I have the responsibility to point towards the Savior. If I can know that God loves me and loves that world that so desperately needs love, then, for tonight...it will have to be enough.
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