And the Tears Come Softly

And the Tears Come Softly
AK December 2008

The restlessness shreds me in scattered pieces.
An agitation moving from end back to start.
Discontented with the life I am living;
Disoriented in head and in heart.
Can’t makes sense
Of what all I am missing.
Can’t understand
Why this feeling thrives
Lost in the abyss of unsettling notions,
My spirit is dead
Though my body’s alive.

And the tears come softly.
The sobs come gently.
Confusion controlling;
My soul lacks consoling,
And the tears come softly down.

Alone by myself
My thoughts to ponder
Consumed by,
Overwhelmed by,
All that I wonder.
No one to hear
My anguished sighs.
No one to question
My silent cries.
Can’t weigh down the shoulders of those I can’t find.
So the burden of the world I must carry is mine.

And the tears come softly;
The sobs come gently.
No one around,
My cries make not a sound,
And the tears come softly down.

Something’s not right
Something’s quite wrong.
The chorus of all I that I am
Plays a sad, melancholy song.
Lost in the chaos
(Of all I don’t know).
Numb to the pain
(With scars I can’t show).
Wishing my eyes were pouring than leaking
A balm to the pleading
That my heart would stop bleeding
But this slow release is all I know.

And the tears come softly.
The sobs come gently.
The brokenness inside,
The hurt that I hide.
And the tears come softly down.

Trapped

Tonight, tonight I am feeling trapped.
Somehow smashed between the life I live, the life I hope for and the realization I have no idea what the latter consists of.
I wish. I wish I had a space to call my own. I wish every movement wasn't invading someone else's turf, every action wasn't stepping on someone else's toes, and ever word wasn't indirectly hurting someone's feelings.
I quit. I quit putting on mask with the good Christian answer. I can't wear it when everything within me cringes at God. Or at least others' sentiments in regards. With flowery language and the perfect answer, they quote to me what I should believe if I claim. And yet it all feels so fake. Maybe it wouldn't if I felt it, I believed it - but do they? Do they know what they're saying? Do they realize how worthless their words sound, how empty and pointless it all appears.
I'm done. I'm done trying. The trying gets me nowhere. I so accutely wish for the joy others find and I can't, I can't find it. I know in my head the right answers - I don't question who God is, the Saviour who died, His power to work in my life. Yet, I don't feel it in my heart. Or anywhere else for that matter. Head knowledge is all well and good until it demands back up and finds itself short.
I give up. I give up trying to figure out where this life leads and for what purpose. Whose purpose. Where am I going? And what am I doing? Why do I care? I am so lost. So terribly alone and terribly lost and feeling as if God has once again tossed me out into a dry and dreary land.
But perhaps I'm lost because I'm trapped. Because the only expanse I can see are the walls which cave in against me. The one's that leave me gasping for air and wondering if I'll make it out of this world alive...