An exert from my journal...

Today I was reminded that when I most want to dig a hole, bury myself, and hide from the world, sometimes the world comes through. And sometimes God uses people in the most profound ways to remind me He's not really so far away.

As I left my apartment this morning...violently ill, desperately low on sleep, completely behind on all of my assignments, and headed to class, I wasn't sure what kind of mood to be in. I wanted to be depressed but the gentle sprinkle with a gray sky attempting to allow a bold sun through didn't allow me that desperation of such. Reminded of my "glimpse", I looked into the sun and said out loud "I know you're here! You're just really going to have to show up today!"

The day became progressively worse and the guessing game of "how to feel" became a non issue. I became more infuriated with the life I was living...the drastic and intrinsic "unfairness" of everything I go through. All day I wanted to cry...a few times real tears actually slipped. Anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal. I was so ready to cash in my chips, to give up, to quit.

As I sit, typing, exhaustedly ready to go to bed, I can't help think about how nothing has changed about my situation. And yet, I sit somewhat renewed. The intense pain which had me ready to curl and die has subsided since my class prayed over my contorted face - despite my objections - after all researching, convinced I had appendicitis. Time to just decide not to care, to write, to vent, to retract into my intoverted world has helped.

And the mailbox. I never get mail. It is just the way it goes. But I love to send mail. I send out six standard encouragement notes a week and typically send out another four or five to random individuals. I never expect anything in return and my box remains empty. Today I was surprised. I had not one piece of mail but three: each with special significance.

Yesterday, I had an assignment which required me to turn in, essentially, a mission statement. My first draft (which didn't actually change) was folded up in my pocket and fell out. It had my name and class on the top, however, and was found and returned via campus mail. On my worst of days was a list of all the things I wanted my life to stand for.

I was intrigued by the other two: a folded up piece of paper and a pink envelope. I looked at the return address on the envelope...it was a note from the girl who was supposed to be the RA in the building I now serve. She just wanted me to know she was praying for me more than ever (I certainly needed it today!) and that, specifically, she was praying I would be found re-energized, revitalized, refreshed, and refilled - all of the things I so desperately needed today. And included how much she hoped I was finding time for rest, family, friends, and Jesus. Maria's prayers for me were an answer to my prayers and I was touched she had thought of me and felt blessed by her friendship from miles away.

The last piece I treasure most. It was a reply encouragement note from a colleague and new friend. She gets one of my encouragement notes every week and so she sent me one just to let me know she loved me and that I was "amazing". So overwhelmed, stressed, and not feeling well...and already on the brink of tears...I just about lost it in the Kresge Center. Someone whom I genuinely love and hhave intensely appreciated but, really, in terms of things, have only barely begun to know...decided to let me know she's noticed. For reasons I cannot come close to imagining, she's decided me worthy of her admiration and her accolades. Perhaps I treasure this one the most because it says the life I live says something to the rest of the world regardless of the life I feel like I'm living...

I asked God to show up today...without the expectation He would follow through. When I most wanted to dig a hole, bury myself, and hide from the world - he kept filling in my hole. "Hey, Anika, you, yeah. It's like this princess, I'm here. I'm always here. I sustain. Promise. Put down the shovel. Smile - you're worth far more than you know."

Thinking about becoming something different.

Turn me around.
Pick me up.
Undo what I've become.
Bring me back to this place
Of forgiveness and grace.
I need You.
I need Your help...
I can't do this myself.
You're the only one...
Who can undo what I've become...