80 Years in the Desert

My summer has been an adventure of epic proportions. When I decided not to have a “formal” job with my chosen time away from Michindoh, I decided to say ‘yes’ – to everything - if I wasn’t already committed to something else. My summer has been busy, but also full. Full in a “live life richly” sort of way. Though the down time has allowed me extended visits in my head and some wrestling with God that might make it to another blog sometime with the rest of my summer’s ends, it has been healthy and restorative for me thus far. Especially as I go into the next 10 months with a defined sense of purpose about what I’ll be doing and where and why and how. Not having to still and forever be creating a plan and worrying about where to “go next” for a couple months and to just live in moments? Good. Just good. And as I look to the fall and another season at Michindoh? I feel...good. There’s peace. And I feel like God’s blessing my decision to remain faithful where I was first hesitant to be. Good.

But it’s not it. And it’s not forever. I continue to maintain this stance – having spoken of it a few times in catching up with friends this weekend – but I was reminded of it today. You see, I have grown to allow Michindoh into the place of my heart reserved for “camp” and I’ve found my niche inside of the Outdoor Education program, and I have developed meaningful relationships with the people I work with...but it’s not “it”. I went into the job initially knowing it would be temporary, with God telling me I was allowed to move forward but not to get too comfortable because He still had other plans. This I know. But it’s been easy to just live in “I’ll be at the ‘Doh’ in the fall” and stop there. Today I was asked to think forward...

I stopped to visit my new familiarity this weekend on my way back from my latest summer gallivanting in Ohio. It was, again, good. People made me smile a great deal. The comfortable familiarity made me feel ready to embrace camp again in a few weeks. And I was explaining this meaningful stop to my grandparents upon my return today. They have a hard time wrapping their minds around my job and my chosen degree and sometimes it feels as if most things in my life. I am constantly trying to find a better way to describe what I am doing and I am endlessly hoping it is meeting their approval.

So today as I was talking about visiting and then going back in the fall (we’d been over the latter) my grandmother looked surprised. “Oh! So you ARE going back in the fall?”

“Yes. I am giving them another year. I anticipate being there until June before knowing that regardless, it will be time for me to move on...”

“So are you looking for where to be next? Do you have that figured out?”

“Well, no. Not formally. I mean, I am committed to working with Outdoor Education. I will begin the job search again in the spring when I am actually going to be back on the job market...”

“Oh, well, what are you going to do?”

“I. Don’t. Know.” The conversation was getting confusing and my grandmother wanted answers I didn’t have. I wanted her approval but I am just me, for better or worse. “I love Jesus. And I love teenagers. And I want to see those worlds collide. I want to be part of the collision. But God is continually pulling me away from church settings to do that...and I just don’t know yet where He’s pulling me to...”

“Well what are your options? Do you know where you want to get involved and you can start making connections now so you’ll have an in later?” I love Grandma dearly but she’s was missing the point...

“No... I know they are out there but I haven’t found one yet that fits. I don’t know what I’m looking for. That’s part of the problem...”

Grandma continued to ask very specific questions about what I intended to do with my life and my grandfather sat quietly. I didn’t know if he cared one way or the other about our conversation. Until finally he spoke with words I couldn’t have begun to anticipate...

“You know Anika, the Lord must have something incredible for you if you’ve had to wait so long to figure out just what it is. Moses, Moses spent 80 years in the desert so God could work him into the man he had to be to lead the people God wanted him to lead, to do the work he had. Moses probably thought he was going to heard sheep forever. Moses had to be patient. You just need to be patient.”

“80 years in the desert...” The words have been going through my head all day. Moses spent 40 years in Egypt and 40 years in Midian before he ever began to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land. The account in account in Exodus 2 doesn’t have Moses complaining. He just works in Midian. Taking care of the flocks.

Amidst many a conversation with God this summer has been the idea of how each experience is shaping me for what is next. “Father, would you like to explain to me why I hated and loved that experience at the same time? Would you like to clarify why if I’m constantly being affirmed in my call to ministry I can’t figure out where to head? Would you be willing to give me a hint to why [fill in the blank]?? How long will I be tending sheep...”

Some times my deserts are indeed as dry as Egypt and God and His purposes feel distant. Other times I feel as if I’m content (like this summer) tending the flocks. And yet, in the midst of long days with busy heads and heavy hearts; in the midst of hard work and great convos with good friends and endless drives; in the midst of the summer of the fall or the spring; in the midst of all of this life I live but don’t quite understand...what is God asking me to be patient for?

In one particular honest rambling with God a month ago I hand journalled the phrase “So this fits because it is what I am called to....But how do I live out of my calling?” But when I wrote live, I wrote with an “o” instead of an “i” and I considered next in my journal that maybe that was the only question I could answer. “How do I love out of my calling?”

How am I loving out of my calling? What is God getting me ready for? And am I being patiently faithful during my own “80 years in the desert”?

The Questions of Enough

The Questions of Enough
AK July 2011

Why can’t I hold the world together?
Why can’t I fix all of the things that hurt?
I embrace and I cry,
I give and I try,
But will that be enough?

My feeble attempts to make a difference...
To somehow stand in the gap.
To rescue the lost.
To forget the cost.
To leave a legacy and
To be used in spite of “me”...
But will that legacy be enough?

A week,
A day,
An hour...
Whether the time be for good or for bad...
The questions remain
Lest the time be in vain
Was that time I spent enough?

Did I leave a mark on their world?
Did it touch the brokenness they hold?
Was it more than just surface deep?
The love I show...
Was it real?
Was it bold?
Was it deeper than the wounds they keep?
And was that love enough?

Could I have done more?
Should I have done less?
Could I have said more?
Should I have said less?
Was I faithful?
Was I true?
Did my life point to You?
And will that life I give be enough?