The Confession of a People Pleaser

Alright.

Fine.

I confess.

I...

Am...

A...

People pleaser.

Perhaps a little anticlimactic as some who actually read my blog are long past well aware of this personality identifier, character trait, label (whatever it is you might associate it as).  But, none-the-less, it’s true.  I’m a people pleaser. 

It’s hard to see in such a blanket statement sentence on a computer screen... but this confession comes with the air of an introduction at a support group; said with the melancholy of the admittance of the affliction of an embarrassing disease; thrust into the public arena with a cringe and a flinch of the head and a sagging of the shoulders. 

I’m a people pleaser.

The words alone seem innocent enough to indicate that together they should be quite the opposite of its unfortunate reality.  People: populace, citizens, group, nation, community.  Please: satisfy, gratify, make happy, delight.  Sounds grand!  And that’s part of the problem.  Because it becomes the addiction you love to hate and hate to love and still are somewhere stuck in the dichotomy of both.

I’m a people pleaser.  I would rather everyone always be happy.  Always.  Especially and mainly with me.  Although not quite as deeply afflicted as I once was, I will oft do whatever it takes to remain on your good side, keep you smiling (I genuinely do love to see/make people smile), and make sure you’re taken care of.  I am known to be opinionated (even strongly so) but it is oft silenced or conceded on the part of not having an argument...especially on issues where I feel like your view of me would be somehow tarnished. I have no expressible preferences about most things (legitimately...I don’t know if this feeds or comes as a result of) and if you ask me for it I’ll probably panic to come up with an answer. [And even if I come up with one, I probably won’t be able to say it in fear that it would be contrary to whatever it is you’d like.] As a result, I will always gladly go with whatever you want.  I am quick to take the blame in many situations – even if they had little to do with anything I could have done or controlled – and I hold myself responsible for events and circumstances that weren’t my fault – even if only in my head.  I apologize far more than necessary and I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.  If I apologize, perhaps you won’t hold whatever possibly awkward, uncomfortable, or annoying thing I just did against me.  Perchance, most noticeable of all, I have a hard time saying ‘no’.  If you invite me to go somewhere or do something and I might let you down otherwise, the answer is ‘yes’ most of the time.  And, if there is something that needs to be done that you wish for me to do, the answer will be ‘yes’ almost undoubtedly.  I will skip sleep if it means you’ll get a little more; I’ll go the extra mile; I’ll do the project I know you hate (even if I hate it as well) before you have a chance to get to it. I might whimper to myself as I fall asleep at night...but I won’t say ‘no’.

This latter piece is extra dangerous as I’ve justified some of my people pleasing tendencies in the name of “being a servant”.  I truly wish to be one but my motives are sometimes skewed.  I’ve been people pleasing for so long that I don’t see myself as trying to match up to the combined unrealistic expectations of dozens of people, I see myself as a servant.  “This is what Jesus would do.”  I tell myself.  “He gave Himself up for all of humankind.  He wasn’t thinking about Himself.  Jesus served, dangit!  The least I can do is put my selfishness aside and do the same!” 

But that is skewed theology.  Jesus wasn’t a doormat.  And while He did give Himself up for all humankind, while He was gracious and loving to a people who didn’t deserve Him or what He gave, it wasn’t all about me, y’all.  Or you.  Oh sure, we most definitely became the recipients of the blessings which trickled down.  We were given the gift, the ultimate gift, and the love the Father has lavished upon us proves individual worth and value.  Because before we in fact were the one’s missing out... Jesus is a restorer.  He restored broken relationship.  The biggest one being between humankind and God.  That we might be part of who He was and what He was doing.  Still, Jesus wasn’t a people pleaser (far from it actually!)  He was, however, a God-pleaser.  Everything He did – including making Himself servant to all was to serve His Father.  It was for the Father’s glory. 

It’s okay to serve people. (I think it’s even okay to do my list above and feel good about it afterwards 95% of the time.) Even and especially to what seems like a fault to the rest of the world...as long as my priorities are in order.  As long as my goal in serving is to love genuinely as Christ has loved me and point back and continuously to the Father.

I was especially convicted of this the other day.  I was reading through a passage I hadn’t been in for a while...the words were there blatantly clear.  Profoundly obvious.  The verse left little room for interpretation.  Galatians 1:10 reads “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

There it was.  In plain English.  Other translations screaming the same thing. The words neither taken out of context nor the message I received a possible interpretation of an otherwise ambiguous but potentially applicable verse.  Nope.  Right there.  Paul, who is a big proponent of being a servant to all said it straight up “Don’t be a people pleaser!  Whose approval are you trying to gain?  If you’re doing it so people will like you – ‘EHHH! Wrong answer! Try again’.  It’s God whose vote counts!”  The Message translation phrases the end of the same verse “If my goal was popularity, I wouldn’t be Christ’s slave...”  If you’re just going to cower down to what the world says, why bother?

This is a hard realization for a people pleaser...

Those who know me know probably also know that I oft will say “Safety first is my number two rule.”  It almost always elicits the response of “so what’s your number one??”  I respond with “Jesus!  Because He should always be first and He doesn’t always ask us to do safe things.  But if it checks through Jesus, safety should be second!”  People pleasing is a safe choice.  It means I stay on people’s good sides, everyone is happy, no one is offended and everyone leaves with a generally good opinion of me.  But safety should always be my number two.  Pleasing Christ should be my number one directive always and this is no exception. 

Paul tells us that “to live is Christ to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21).  It means that I have to be willing to let go of self and control and the things I hold on to – including what people think of me and to find my passion, my direction, my worth, and therefore life, in Christ. 

So it’s about time I admit it.  Get it out in the open.  Confess.  I’m a people pleaser.  But I’d like to be in recovery.  (And I’d quite possibly like you to join me...)

The Sin of “Go”

Originally written my senior year of college, I found this back today quite at random.  I was surprised to find it wasn't posted when it was originally written.  But it's still good.  And still true.  "Homework" has been placed by any hundred of other things but I still haven't quite recovered.  Nor have some of those in my life. It's for that proverbial "you" I re-post this now...

There remains a classic list of the seven deadliest of sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.  They are the things which damage the image of God created within us, the relationship we have with Him, with others.  Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride all carry with them a common thread: self.  In all seven of the deadliest we see, at the heart, a desire to be self-fulfilled, gratified, and serving.  And so we come to realize at the center of the sins which will ultimately choke out our very life, there is an unquenchable thirst for “me”.  And few would argue the seven make a fairly comprehensive list.  It covers in broad categories the specific sins we engage in every day.   Our mind goes easily to this default presentation and tries to avoid with absolute certainty our participation. 

Yet, when we think about the most deadly of sins, some words never come up.  For example, no one ever thinks to warn against the life-stealing nature of “productivity”, “efficiency”, and “busy”.  No one stands to preach the evils of an “honest day’s work with overtime”, a “jammed, packed schedule”, “back-to-back activities”, or the necessity to constantly be “on the go”.  In fact, in contemporary western thought, these are heralded as virtues and triumphed with utter assurance for their positive merit.  Heck, “sloth” sits in the middle of the top seven; we’d hate to be accused of not using time wisely!  Letting one minute fall to waste! 

And so we’ve created the eighth deadly sin: “go”.  It is unique only in that, when looked at objectively, “go” tends to feed our selfish nature while depriving it intrinsically of what it truly needs and desires.  In order to even get a number in the rat race we do rather than be, we drive rather than abide.  One more meeting, one more project, one more paper, one more book, one less meal, one less hour of sleep, one less friend.  “It get’s done!  It always get’s done!”  has become the humorous mantra of the sleep-deprived, over-worked, and under-paid.  If we can just meet up to one more expectation, then maybe...

Maybe it is just “that time” in the semester and, if I were to be honest with myself, I would realize how many semesters of my years prior have had me this close to a nervous breakdown at approximately the same point.  But, perhaps, as a senior, I’ve finally become fed-up with how often the “sin of go” clasps its long, bony fingers around my throat, around my heart, and begins to squeeze.  I have finally got to a point where I can no longer move despite the lack of oxygen, no longer function regardless of necessity. I have realized I live in a culture where we fail to notice this as a dehabilitating disease and instead force it upon each other.  Force it until there is no escape which will not also come with dire consequences. 

Furthermore, we have been trained to believe this is normal, acceptable, and for the best.  Recently, (and ironically), for a class I was required to create a time-management profile.  Detailing in 15 minute increments how I spent my time for the duration of a week.  It assessing the results, in breaking down the numbers to see just where I fell, I was upset, disgusted.  Classes and homework only took up 1/3 of my time (close to 50 hours).  No wonder I was never able to finish everything – I never spent enough time!  Out of 168 hours in the week, I recorded 8 where I was deliberately socializing.  Though accounting for less than 5% of my time, I was sure it should have been less.  “Not acceptable.” became my first reaction as I considered 4% more was used up on activities which had no bearing on real life.  In my mind I was feeling very guilty for spending ten minutes before I fell asleep reading a book which wasn’t required for a class or the one night I spent almost an hour with my hopelessly neglected journal.  How could I make up for lost time?

Yet, my moment-by-moment schedule has left me exhausted, overwhelmed, burnout, and broken.  I canNOT do it all.  I want to.  I want to meet everyone’s expectations...least of all my own...and instead I find myself failing on every front.  What is to be done when a look at any class syllabus comes with the cruel awakening there will be no room for sick days?   When a missed class means automatic missed points for attendance and, in addition, a quiz will be missed which cannot be made up and you will be set perfectly behind?  When emergencies arise and there is no time to complete the one small project which will undoubtedly determine your grade in the class?  When a fall break schedule gets jipped impressively for appointments, group projects, and assignments...and you wonder if it is worth your time to go home this semester at all?  When you want nothing more than to laugh with friends and some days forget to smile because life must be taken so seriously?  When the pressure buildup makes you cry? 

I put my all into everything I endeavor and give past what I have of myself to give.  And, in the end, it is never enough.  I always come up short.  Life always demands more.  And my world crashes in when the assignment doesn’t make the due date.  “This isn’t like me!”  I shout.  “I am the good student, dependable, high quality.  I turn things in on time.  I am responsible.  A hard worker!  Where did I come up short?”  How do I get past this sin of “go”?  The one which has stolen my energy, my time, my passion, and, in many cases, my joy?  Where do I go to rekindle a desire for life, a want for intimacy with God, a life set to ‘slow-down’?  Will the world let me have this?  Will I let me have it?  Or will I forever be on the go?