The Sin of “Go”

Originally written my senior year of college, I found this back today quite at random.  I was surprised to find it wasn't posted when it was originally written.  But it's still good.  And still true.  "Homework" has been placed by any hundred of other things but I still haven't quite recovered.  Nor have some of those in my life. It's for that proverbial "you" I re-post this now...

There remains a classic list of the seven deadliest of sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.  They are the things which damage the image of God created within us, the relationship we have with Him, with others.  Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride all carry with them a common thread: self.  In all seven of the deadliest we see, at the heart, a desire to be self-fulfilled, gratified, and serving.  And so we come to realize at the center of the sins which will ultimately choke out our very life, there is an unquenchable thirst for “me”.  And few would argue the seven make a fairly comprehensive list.  It covers in broad categories the specific sins we engage in every day.   Our mind goes easily to this default presentation and tries to avoid with absolute certainty our participation. 

Yet, when we think about the most deadly of sins, some words never come up.  For example, no one ever thinks to warn against the life-stealing nature of “productivity”, “efficiency”, and “busy”.  No one stands to preach the evils of an “honest day’s work with overtime”, a “jammed, packed schedule”, “back-to-back activities”, or the necessity to constantly be “on the go”.  In fact, in contemporary western thought, these are heralded as virtues and triumphed with utter assurance for their positive merit.  Heck, “sloth” sits in the middle of the top seven; we’d hate to be accused of not using time wisely!  Letting one minute fall to waste! 

And so we’ve created the eighth deadly sin: “go”.  It is unique only in that, when looked at objectively, “go” tends to feed our selfish nature while depriving it intrinsically of what it truly needs and desires.  In order to even get a number in the rat race we do rather than be, we drive rather than abide.  One more meeting, one more project, one more paper, one more book, one less meal, one less hour of sleep, one less friend.  “It get’s done!  It always get’s done!”  has become the humorous mantra of the sleep-deprived, over-worked, and under-paid.  If we can just meet up to one more expectation, then maybe...

Maybe it is just “that time” in the semester and, if I were to be honest with myself, I would realize how many semesters of my years prior have had me this close to a nervous breakdown at approximately the same point.  But, perhaps, as a senior, I’ve finally become fed-up with how often the “sin of go” clasps its long, bony fingers around my throat, around my heart, and begins to squeeze.  I have finally got to a point where I can no longer move despite the lack of oxygen, no longer function regardless of necessity. I have realized I live in a culture where we fail to notice this as a dehabilitating disease and instead force it upon each other.  Force it until there is no escape which will not also come with dire consequences. 

Furthermore, we have been trained to believe this is normal, acceptable, and for the best.  Recently, (and ironically), for a class I was required to create a time-management profile.  Detailing in 15 minute increments how I spent my time for the duration of a week.  It assessing the results, in breaking down the numbers to see just where I fell, I was upset, disgusted.  Classes and homework only took up 1/3 of my time (close to 50 hours).  No wonder I was never able to finish everything – I never spent enough time!  Out of 168 hours in the week, I recorded 8 where I was deliberately socializing.  Though accounting for less than 5% of my time, I was sure it should have been less.  “Not acceptable.” became my first reaction as I considered 4% more was used up on activities which had no bearing on real life.  In my mind I was feeling very guilty for spending ten minutes before I fell asleep reading a book which wasn’t required for a class or the one night I spent almost an hour with my hopelessly neglected journal.  How could I make up for lost time?

Yet, my moment-by-moment schedule has left me exhausted, overwhelmed, burnout, and broken.  I canNOT do it all.  I want to.  I want to meet everyone’s expectations...least of all my own...and instead I find myself failing on every front.  What is to be done when a look at any class syllabus comes with the cruel awakening there will be no room for sick days?   When a missed class means automatic missed points for attendance and, in addition, a quiz will be missed which cannot be made up and you will be set perfectly behind?  When emergencies arise and there is no time to complete the one small project which will undoubtedly determine your grade in the class?  When a fall break schedule gets jipped impressively for appointments, group projects, and assignments...and you wonder if it is worth your time to go home this semester at all?  When you want nothing more than to laugh with friends and some days forget to smile because life must be taken so seriously?  When the pressure buildup makes you cry? 

I put my all into everything I endeavor and give past what I have of myself to give.  And, in the end, it is never enough.  I always come up short.  Life always demands more.  And my world crashes in when the assignment doesn’t make the due date.  “This isn’t like me!”  I shout.  “I am the good student, dependable, high quality.  I turn things in on time.  I am responsible.  A hard worker!  Where did I come up short?”  How do I get past this sin of “go”?  The one which has stolen my energy, my time, my passion, and, in many cases, my joy?  Where do I go to rekindle a desire for life, a want for intimacy with God, a life set to ‘slow-down’?  Will the world let me have this?  Will I let me have it?  Or will I forever be on the go?