Bring it On...Or Not.

So begins another year.

Or so I’ve been told.

I’ve never really quite understood the New Year’s celebrations. Are we celebrating the fact we’re entering a new year? Or perhaps the fact we survived the last? Why do we need a “January 1” mark to commemorate new starts and fresh beginnings? Why do people spend endless dollars and time in preparation to recognize the second that we’ve entered a new full rotation of the sun?

In addition, I’ve never quite understood New Year’s resolutions and the heightened awareness of one’s own inadequacies that seems to come so naturally with the “December 31” inscription. In terms of the former, perhaps I am merely embittered by the fact that of all of the years I’ve made “resolutions”, they have either been unrealistic, unhealthy, or downright silly...and even if they weren’t (my NYR for 2010 was to learn how to dream...), I still spend the next 12 months pondering over my list and I get to the end disappointed that, of all my accomplishments, I’ve checked nothing off. In terms of the latter, well...I already have a heightened awareness of my own inadequacies and really don’t need a special day.

And so, I was ready to slide into 2011 like it was yet another beginning to another week. No big. I was until someone this morning began making small talk with a curiously cliché question...

“So. Are you ready for the new year?”

Honestly? Everyone says this. Yet it struck me peculiarly. And by “struck”, I imply that I felt like I was about to be hit. I locked my knees and tightened my jaw and tried not to cringe as the posture of my insides took on that of a nervous pull-back, a flinch. I was bracing myself to be slapped by the answer I was supposed to produce.

“Anika, what you so afraid of? Stop being stupid!” I whispered to the whimpering girl in my head during the momentary pause. I took a deep breath, smiled a forced but sweet smile and replied “I hope so...” as I sought to understand why I was so suddenly distraught.

Tonight...I got it. As I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I looked into my tired eyes and stated simply “I’m exhausted.” Sleep and I have been fighting, or so it appears. (I wish Sleep would have sent me a memo...instead the thing just doesn’t shows up and expects me to get the hint!) The exhaustion seemed logical...but it ran deeper than just my achy muscles, dark bags under my eyes, and slouching stance. Something in the depths of who I am just felt unbelievably...tired.

In the Emperor’s New Groove (a personal fave, btw), there is this clip where Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a log cascading down a roaring river. Pacha has a view that our talking llama friend does not and nervously utters “uh-oh” at which point Kuzco responds casually “don’t tell me, we’re about to go over a huge waterfall...” “Yep.” “Sharp rocks at the bottom?” “Most likely.” And then, with a look of profound determination. “Bring it on.”

As I was trying to register my tired life and shielded fear in the mornings basic inquiry, I realized this is the first year I’m not walking into a new year with the same prospects (a cascading fall and sharp rocks) and the same determination. If you know me and even part of my story, my last few years have been doozies! And I’ve gotten to the beginning of January, pinned up my new calendar and, with my eyes zeroed in on the sharp rocks I was already awaiting, I would proclaim “bring it on.”

I went from 2006 into 2007 with an excited passion.
And I fell in love with Jesus and with ministry. I stepped out of my personal comfort zone. I got sick. I scheduled a surgery. I was diagnosed with cancer. How is that for “bring it on”?

I went from 2007 into 2008 with a stubborn determination.
I had major surgery. I went to school full time and battled a unique diagnosis all my own. Jesus and I fought and pondered and wept. I lost friends. I disconnected from passion. I found Jesus waiting in and past my stubborn resolve. I was re-diagnosed. I had another surgery. I took on life as a loner. I traveled to Nashville. I made big plans. How’s that for “bring it on”?

I went from 2008 into 2009 with adamant but hardened resolve.
I fought medically induced depression. I discovered I was stuck with an indefinite cancer diagnosis. I looked at college and life and vowed to just “get through”. I rediscovered hope. I spent three weeks in Uganda. I developed seizures from a medication that led me to three specialists. I moved into an apartment with four girls I didn’t know. I became a resident assistant. I found back camaraderie. I was forcefully dragged to the ER for a tennis ball sized ovarian cyst that had doctors assuming my appendix needed to come out. I studied my brains out to be the best college senior ever. How’s that for “bring it on”?

I went from 2009 into 2010 with a curious anticipation.
I was ready for something new. I wanted to learn how to dream. I got ran over by a car. I spent 10 days in Puerto Rico doing ministry with and being ministered to by phenomenal teammates. I didn't sleep as I studied my brains out. I graduated college – with honors and a humbling and undeserved award. I worked a summer job and uncovered my love for ministry once again in odd ways. I made new and spritually rich friends. I waited for God to reveal big plans. God and I decided it was time to work through my best kept secrets and deepest wounds. I received 13 letters of various varieties turning me down for various jobs. I lived with my parents in a town I don't like. I found myself far away from the people I needed most. How’s that for “bring it on”?

Bring it on? Oh yeah. But I can’t do it any more.

And so I go into 2011 with a whimper. Bracing myself against another huge and tumultuous year. “Please no more waterfalls! No more rocks! For as much as the ride down has been a rush, please, can’t we just coast this year? Maybe buy a raft? I’m not looking for anything extreme...I don’t need a yacht...I just am sick of holding my breath waiting for the rushing waves to give me a chance to come up for air. I am resilient, but not impenetrable...those rocks are leaving me battered and raw. I’m so tired. Please...”

I know that if I were being candid (mostly with myself) I would cite how God has guided faithfully and protected surely. It's been His strength, not mine. I could and should note how those tumultuous years have challenged my perceptions, questioned my relationships, confronted my fears, called out my need for control and lack of surrender, redefined life as I know it and have left me closer to the One who loves me the most. I’ve learned. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. Jesus loves me despite my most profound shortcomings. I wouldn’t trade those “bring it on” years in for anything...

But this year, right now, I don’t want to “bring it” anywhere. I know my obstinance isn’t the faithful response. It’s not the good Christian response. I know, in fact, that it shows a great deal of pride and great lacking of both surrender and trust. I know this isn’t the evaluated and “right answer” response. It’s not the response of girl who is known for taking life (which comes at her like a charging bull) by the horns. I know it falls short and as I fade from January 2nd into January 3rd and already watch the days slip past, I realize I walk into 2011 offering little. Little to the God I have repeatedly told could have it all – all my life and all of me. I can only pray that God will take this worn out, washed up, poor excuse of a faithful follower and use her in spite of herself...