To Be Known

Working on what is now almost three days ago...

I had a bad day.

Really it was just a bad afternoon which turned into a bad evening. Which subsequently had myself curled up in the corner with my back to the wall, my teddy bear on my lap, and my knees bent up to my chin as I cried quiet, hot, and frustrated tears for almost an hour.

Somewhere in the middle of this...

I wanted to scream.

Not just to release (a good scream will do that for you) but to be heard. I wanted my scream to be intentional. I wanted...

I wanted to be understood.

I was struggling with why I had just successfully had the first teenage fight with my dad since I was well...a teenager. In high school. Why my dad, who typically “gets” me the best when it comes to my parents and my internal frustrations, just...wasn't. Not even close. Why I felt so petty and why it hurt so much...

So I blogged.

I blogged everything I wanted to scream. And then I left it there for the world to read.

The release felt...good. Healthy. Real.

And within hours I was wondering if leaving myself so raw inside my cyber world had been such a good idea. And by the next morning I dreaded the messages from friends who were there to support me in my frustration, anger, and bad day...but not because they were supporting me. The fact that there were so many who found it, read it, told me they loved me...I needed it. Badly.

And yet, I dreaded it. I hated it.

I hated the fact they knew.

Knew that I wasn’t perfect. Knew that I was far from having it all together. I openly admitted to insecurities. I whined and I complained. I was harsh in presentation and willing to allow circumstance to dictate not only my attitude but ultimately how much I wanted to trust, in confidence, who I was in Christ.

And I put it on display like a dejected drama queen. Or so my next morning interpretation said...

I was embarrassed.

I wasn’t willing to openly deny anything I said or felt...because despite the fact the sting was gone, I still felt them. It was still a real conversation. My response (regardless of its appropriateness) was still true.

But the fact I had said it...

My closest friends, at least one or two of whom found my blog; know I’m not one who easily admits to my weaknesses. I hide behind a smile and keep-on-keeping-on when I feel kicked in the face. Some applaud me for ability to keep my chin up regardless (of whether I’m breaking inside) and some hate me for how fake (perhaps legitimately) I sometimes come off. I am “fine”, “good”, “doing alright”, until you ask the right question or prod just enough to get the real answer. And so something about being so open and real on facebook? Scandalous!

I wondered what compelled me to do such a thing, but it didn’t take long to come to an answer.

I had wanted to scream...because I had wanted to be understood.

A friend sent me a link the next morning...to a sermon that talked about how we use things like facebook and blogs to be whoever we want to be, whoever we want to be known as, when in all reality, our deepest desire...is just to be known.

Despite my embarrassment, I think part of me wanted to be known. To be understood. To be validated. Justified. In parts of me that were real...and not just parts I wanted others to see.

I think my fear is that too many blogs stating my day’s woes and too many facebook statuses where it sounds as if the world feels out to get me and I will come to be known by my struggle. I don’t want to be known by the hardest things going on in my life. I don’t want them to define me. They aren’t the truest things about me.

But they are true things about me.

I don’t want to be known BY my struggle, but I think parts of each one of us to want to be known WITH our struggle. We want people to know us for the good, the bad, and yes – even those ugly dark places we want to keep hidden...

And we want them to love us anyway.

We want to know that in somebody else’s eyes, our greatest transgressions, shortcomings, don’t make us less adequate, less human, less deserving of love...but even more so. That somehow grace, mercy, forgiveness and redemption are found in the places of our lives that most hurt.

I decided not to retract my blog. I couldn’t retract it from the 47 people who viewed my page over the next 24 hours and I couldn’t retract it from reality. And I realized for all I wish people didn’t know and assume and assess about me and my life for reading it, there was no reason to disguise and hide reality, merely for its own sake.

It is another lesson in being humble when it comes to admitting weaknesses. But humility comes as part of the cost you pay to be [truly] known...