So Much for Measuring Up...

“So, what did you do today?”

“Honestly? Not a thing. It’s almost four and I just took a shower....” In all actuality, it has far more to do with the fact I think I’ve been fighting my brother’s flu for the last four or five days, just got home from another busy weekend, and didn’t really want to take on the world than anything else. There is quite a bit I could be doing if I felt up to it today...

Dad didn’t give me a chance to justify my answer or explain. Instead he made quite clear, quite early on, that he was disappointed in me. He had a productive Monday and the fact there was nothing to show for mine was shameful. I spent the rest of our conversation trying to defend myself...because looking into my dad’s eyes and listening to his tone of voice it was obvious, obvious that I didn’t measure up.

I felt so defeated.

“So you did nothing and probably heard nothing from Kentucky, either, huh?” Kentucky referred to my most recent job pursuit and I knew that “Kentucky” was just a piece of dad’s bigger picture. I needed a job. I needed to make money. I needed to do something with my life. My current existence was unacceptable. The remainder of the conversation made that increasingly clear.

In summary, pursuing one job at a time was stupid. That’s not the way the job market goes. You don’t find one job to apply for and put your time and energy into seeing where it might lead, you put feelers out in multiple positions and wait for one to bite and then you take advantage of it. [And if I wasn’t actually interested in those positions?] So what? Somebody has to pay back college loans. Clearly my “heart wasn’t in the right spot” and I would have to “pray about my unrelenting mindset”. I wasn’t even looking at temporary employment for God’s sake. Your sister at least took initiative! [Did I say that? Who said I wasn’t? I just didn’t want to feel committed to a job I hated and not feel able to taking advantage of opportunities that might arise. Temporary or seasonal jobs feel considerably more realistic when you aren’t moving from one to the next to the next...in hopes that they are going to pay enough to help you keep track of your financial obligations. Are there any around? Because they don’t pay enough for me to move out... It would be easier to step into a job I hated knowing it was just filling in the time until I started something legit.] But you can’t wait for something “legit” to decide to look for some sort of employment. Obviously you’re not doing anything with your time or your life; you’d have a fine time convincing someone you wanted a job at all. [So should I just jump at a paycheck? Because there’s nothing like doing something you hate for the rest of your life!] So melodramatic! It wouldn’t be for the rest of my life. I could always get out and do something I actually wanted to do later. Haven’t I ever heard of giving a two weeks notice and quitting? [So I should walk into a job that makes me cringe knowing that I am looking to give my two-week notice at any moment? Because that sounds responsible!”] Stop changing the story. We’re talking about temporary jobs not ones with a contract commitment. You are never going to get a job you want because you don’t know what you’re looking for and so nothing is ever going to satisfy you. It’s about time that you and responsibility get a job and stop sitting around my house all day!

Cool.

Because now I’m feeling so much better about life.

This whole time that I hated my life because I was without a job and immediate obligations for the first two and three and then four week stretch in the last six years? Apparently I was slacking. The hours I spent on my computer until three o’clock in the morning were me...not trying? Every time I tried to redefine my existence in lack of the expectations I so long had allowed to be placed on me by every person I came in contact with...missing? Apparently the only thing I was missing was the fact my parents, and at least my dad, has expectations to which I don’t measure up.

Just as I was settling into a peace about this season of “wait”, just when I thought I was being faithful to seek and to trust, just when I was thinking that I was pursuing the doors I felt had opened for me, just when I realized being so concerned on what I didn’t have made me petty and selfish in light of what I did have, just when I decided not to rush into things and get down on myself for what I wasn’t doing, just when I resolved to not allow the job I did or didn’t have to define me, and just when I was allowing myself to heal from the damage such huge transition always puts on my life...

I’m told I’ve been doing it all wrong. It’s not enough. I’m not my sister. Not Faith who was subbing at least three days a week and teaching a class at the local community college during her “transitional phase”. Faith was actively pursuing things; she had an interview lined up by this point for the job she’s been in for the last two years... She moved out after the first of the year. Do I realize she has all of her school loans paid off right now? Yep. I do. Thanks.

Whatever I’m doing...I’m not measuring up and it’s not enough. Which I have, in the last hour, easily absorbed and interpretted as “Anika, you’re not enough...” I’m not good enough. I don’t measure up. You were that golden child when you were away at school with a maintained cancer diagnosis while pulling a 4-point. But now, now we just point to this girl who lives in our basement and has nothing to show for it.

Cool.

I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t know what passion I should give up on in order to pursue a job that will somehow make me more of a person, a better daughter. Should I give up all passion and just get a job with a paycheck? I mean, Paul was a tentmaker. My guess is that he would have rather been just doing ministry, but you’ve got to pay the bills somehow... I could just suck up my disdain for the ineffectiveness and logistics of church ministry. Where, if I was a good youth pastor with a growing ministry, I would disciple volunteers and hope they were doing a good job loving on the teens in my so-called care. My list of reasons why I feel un-called to church ministry is extensive...but also removed from capability. I mean probably, technically, God help me, I could run a decent youth ministry and hope that the church was willing to pay me when everything is said and done. I could give up my love for ministry, for talking about Jesus, for conversation that encourages teens to seek the face of Christ more fully and work in a secular community-based youth environment. I could still work with youth but my ministry would have to be my life and that would have to be enough. My passion for theology couldn’t be a defining factor. I could give up both my passion for young people and my passion for ministry and just walk into some dead-end “temporary” position that keeps me living at my parents house forever and leaves me stuck because despite its temporariness, there’s no obvious way out and no better alternative. Why does “job I hate using my degree” vs “job I hate not using my degree” vs “job I can tolerate that removes the reason I chose my degree” seem to be my debate? Why are there no more options?

Maybe I wouldn’t be so upset with the fact that I am letting my dad down; that I managed to disappoint him when all I ever really tried to do was represent him and his legacy well; that I am not good enough and don’t measure up...if it didn’t circle back to how much I disappointed myself; let myself down. Maybe it just hurts to have to encounter the truth you have come to believe about yourself through other peoples’ eyes. Maybe I’ll be good enough for my dad, let alone my Heavenly Father, if in fact I can ever be good enough for me.