Wrestling?

"And Jacob walked with a limp..." I went back to where Jacob wrestled the night with God. I had been wrestling with God and after some discussion, I decided it was where I needed to explore next. I needed to sort through what Jacob did when he found himself in a place of redefinition...redefinition that was the result of a name change which was the result of time spent fighting God.

I found it interesting that Jacob thought he was fighting man and kept fighting even after he was injured, because he refused to be let out of the wrestling match without a blessing. And I considered the fact that this “man” was the one who seemed to start the wrestling. God started the fight. But Jacob refused to give in. And God later tells him that he “overcame”. Which seems strange considering it was God. You don’t just fight with God and win – not unless the intention all along was for you to come out believing you prevailed. Why did Jacob need to feel like he won? Why did God need a fight to begin with?

Either way, wrestling with God is hard. It took all night. All night they wrestled! But relief came in the morning. Was it so much that Jacob overcame – or than God allowed the wrestling to come to an end? There was no actual triumph, no actual win... And Jacob wouldn’t let go without the blessing. He wouldn’t let go of what he was wrestling with until he could guarantee the good. But before his blessing came a name. The struggle had completely redefined him. And the redefinition WAS the struggle. Israel means "to struggle with God". Which is certainly what the nation has done in its entire existence. Was the name good...or bad?

Regardless, still Jacob was blessed. And he was never the same. His remaining existence was not only defined by the fact he struggled (and his people continued to struggle) with God, he was constantly reminded of the pain the struggle caused. He forever walked with a limp – less than perfect. I wonder if Jacob limped with a smile or a cringe. If he had realized from the beginning he had been wrestling with God – would he have stopped? Did he look back on his wrestling with remorse? Or did knowing the wrestling bring a blessing far beyond his wildest imagination make the wrestling worthwhile?

If I’ve been wrestling with God...at what point are we at? Is morning coming when all will come clear? What should my response be? Do I surrender...or will God bless my perseverance too? I have been looking for redefinition, that much is solid – am I prepared for what it may mean to realize that God has me set aside as an “Israel”? That my redefinition isn’t through the struggle, but IN it? The struggle will define me and I will be blessed...and will bless...because of it? What will be my limp? What will be the reminder of my pain? Of the fight I refused to let go of without a blessing?