Laughter

It’s funny what you pick up on first. What you notice. What you pay attention to. I’ve decided it is thing we most long for. Any woman who has been trying to have a child will tell you they can hear a baby cry from six aisles away at Wal-Mart; they notice every young mom in the mall; they are that much more appalled by every instance of child abuse and neglect they hear about on the news (“those people don’t even want their babies and I can’t have one!”). I once had such a friend tell me “you would think these children were coming out of the woodwork just to torment that empty place inside of me...” It wasn’t that there were more babies, more toddlers, more moms taking their little ones grocery shopping...there was merely a keener awareness of the thing she lacked, longed for.

I think it shocks us when we first recognize those things we long for. I know it always shoots a hollow pang into my entire being when suddenly my eyes are opened to something I’ve been missing. Tonight it was laughter. As I walked into the dining commons, it was all I could hear, laughter. And it wasn’t just any laughter; it was my “friend’s” laughter. I was pulling out distinct laughs. I saw group of them sitting together...talking and laughing and eating. And I turned my head to see the same thing again and again and again. Sometimes it was a solitary person I recognized with their group. Sometimes it was several together.

And I broke. Part of me wanted nothing more than to sit down and demand they allow me to be part of the joke. Part of me wanted to know what was so funny or to laugh because nothing was. I wanted the care-freeness of being in a group. I wanted to sit down and eat – really eat – and enjoy what I was eating – with a group of people where I didn’t feel like I was invading or eavesdropping in on the conversation. Where I wasn’t pity-invited to join or demanded I not sit alone for the millionth time but instead genuinely allowed to comfortably be part of the laughter.

I want to laugh.
I miss that simple joy.
I want the ability to smile with abandon and allow a deep, real laughter to escape. Not a casual smirk with a throat chuckle, but a full laughter - without wondering what those around me are thinking or if they care.
I want to laugh.

It’s funny what you pick up on first. What you notice. What you pay attention to. I’ve decided it is thing we most long for. Tonight it was laughter.