I was babysitting today. Not really enjoying it – I was doing my best to control an unusually short wick – but not all-together despising it either. I was finishing up a craft project with the three girls when Mary, age four, came and tapped my knee.
“Miss Anika?” Her sing-songy voice asked with a questioning look.
I smiled as I looked directly into her eyes. “Yes Mary?”
“Miss Anika, what is your favorite thing to do in the whole world? What do you just want to do all of the time?”
That wasn’t a question I was expecting. I paused. Mary stared at me. I paused some more. I glanced back at her and made a very ‘matter-of-fact’ face. “You know Mary...that is a very good question...”
Mary’s face turned very serious and she looked at me intently. “Yes. A very question. I asked a very good question!” And she ran off.
I wish I could have run off too. What is my favorite thing? What do I just want to do all of the time? Anything? What am I passionate about? What do I live for; breathe for, what defines me? Why do I want to answer with “Jesus” and why does my gut, my life, my heart, scream it’s not enough? Shouldn’t it be? Or does Jesus define the answers rather than stand in for them? For all of the questions...why don’t I know?
For so long being sick has been my focus, my consuming, defining, controlling aspect of life. I lived being sick, I fought being sick, I strove to be more than being sick...though I never really knew what I was striving for and never really obtained it, I experience Jesus through being sick. Now that I don’t have to fight for normalcy – it’s been “given back” to me...I no longer know what it is. Who I am. I find myself off, lost, and in the search of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment