My senior year of college, my senior exit class for my major
(youth ministry) had me take a strengths inventory profile/assessment. The end result gave me my top five most
prominent strengths. In order, my number
two result was “adaptability”.
If I had been drinking a beverage when I first received
these results, it probably would have been spewed in a dramatic array over the
whole of my computer screen.
“Adaptability? Seriously?” I cringed.
I moaned. And I laughed. This
inventory had to be mistaken. I. Hate.
Change. My classmates and some personal
evaluation helped me realize that acting in adaptability when needed and
pushing forward regardless of the changes arising is in fact a strength of
mine. Life has demanded change and so I
have worked around it and with it and apparently that makes me adaptable. I ran this recently by just a coworker or two
briefly who nodded and said “you go with the flow, no questions asked. You’re
adaptable.” *Sigh*
Part of me still wanted to hit my head. While I am glad it is what other people see
– as I don’t want to be a person so caught up in “what isn’t” that “what IS”
becomes neglected, under served, unmanaged, or missed – if I had my way, I
would not choose to be adaptable.
Inside, change makes me cringe.
Without fail. I like
normalcy. I value consistency. In fact, I had a moment of celebration when I
realized the loss of some current staff and addition of some new ones would not
cause me to lose my office mailbox as it has been alphabetically placed.
I just like when some things stay the same...
It’s a shame then that over the course of this year
absolutely everything has changed. I’ll
refrain by giving labels like “for the good” or “for the bad” but everything
has changed. Or so it feels. 2011 marks
the first year that has not included be as a student...since 1992! Change. I no longer live in my parent’s home
and am basically independent (minus the part where I still rely on Dad’s health
insurance benefits and can’t actually move out of their home because I work a
job that provides housing but my life doesn’t actually fit into my 10x10
bedroom). Change. Oh! I have a job.
I have been working a job I basically enjoy that doesn’t actually use my
major very much for almost a year.
That’s not like before at all.
Change. My sister is married.
Change. I have a
brother-in-law. Change. This was the first summer in almost a decade
that I wasn’t involved in ministry at Wesley Woods. Change.
I don’t have an active cancer diagnosis for the first time since
2007. Change. I could keep going. Seriously...not much in my life (minus the
fact I still puke like a champ – dumb consistency) has stayed the same.
I could have pre-anticipated such a year. I could have because just about this time
last year is when I first felt like everything I had known to be a place of
stability in my life was being ripped from underneath of me. I kept saying things like “Well, if that’s
gone, at least I still have...” as I continually reached out for other places of consistency. As a kid who grew up in a
handful of places and needs both hands to recount every school, I was familiar
with change and I held tight to the things that always stayed the same...
The biggest “...at least I still have...” at this point last
Christmas was, well, Christmas. For
years Christmas has been getting weird.
I think it is because I am getting old.
Christmas has lost some of its magic and charm. And ever since getting “sick” and being
diagnosed the day after Christmas four years ago, a lot of the “little things” which used to make Christmas seemed to disappear. My family was too busy and there were more
important things to worry about. But
there was still something intrinsically the same about Christmas to cling to
and yet, I was losing the pieces. Last year I was mourning their loss. The hours spent on a Saturday decorating the
tree and the house. The time spent
creating a mess in mom’s kitchen making candies and chocolate covered pretzels
and homemade tootsie rolls. The planning
and crafting and making. The detailed
debate over what ornaments to acquire or make or find that year (I (each of us)
have a specific ornament for each year so by the time I was, well, this old, I
could move out and have ornaments that meant something to put on my own
tree...) We would practice for church Christmas programs while watching all of
the classics on TV and fighting over whether or not we had gotten through our
own collection of Christmas-must-watch movies.
And when all was said and done, we would get dressed and go to Christmas
Eve services and then come home and change into pajamas in time to open up
presents as a family. In the morning we
would all load into the car and head to Grandpa and Grandma’s for the day. Christmas.
But last year everything officially changed when my older
sister wouldn’t be home for Christmas and so we didn’t open gifts on Christmas
Eve. We came home and nobody knew what
else to do...it’s just what we always did.
And then everything changed again when Grandpa and Grandma announced the
fact that it would be the last big family Christmas at their house. Christmas was being relegated to each and
their own. And there went my last “...at
least there is still...” Christmas was
gone. Call me embittered but I am still
having a hard time stomaching the change and transition as this holiday season
closes in.
In fact, more things change this year. My sister and brother-in-law won’t be home
for Christmas and we won’t celebrate without them. But they will be home later when my younger
sister will be out of the country. And
there are like three services to go to after which time, undoubtedly, my
brothers will watch football and my parents will fall asleep and that will be
Christmas. So what?
I don’t like change.
I don’t want to adapt this newest take on a holiday that, let’s face it,
is defined by tradition – of which mine don’t really exist anymore. And when people ask about what I’m doing for
Christmas – I cringe. I think the way
things have to fall this years sucks.
And maybe I don’t want to celebrate if I can’t do it the way I want
to! The way we always have...
That would be honest. And also immature. Ridiculous.
And self-absorbed.
Some things have to change. Change is inevitable. Nothing is going to remain permanently
consistent and it’s just dumb that so much change has had to happen all in one
year leaving my completely overwhelmed by “all that isn’t”.
But if that’s all I focus on, I
still miss it. Especially at Christmas time.
In the midst of everything I think I need to take place for it to feel
like Christmas is the reality of the season.
Christ. The reason a tradition of
a holiday – something consistent – is the same reason God ordained certain holy
days among the Israelites. So that they
wouldn’t forget.
And here I am, forgetting. Moping.
Moping because nothing stays the same when the only thing, the only One,
that matters has never changed. Psalm
55:19 promises that God doesn’t change.
That the same God who created the world, saved the Israelites, sent His
son, performed miracles, and raised the dead...yep, same God. Hebrews 13:7 says “Jesus is the same
yesterday, today, and forever”. Have I
lost my stability? My consistency? My
normal? Or have I just lost focus on my
Rock and my Salvation? My Security... My
Peace... My Constant.
Father God, when all around me changes...
remind me that You are the Everlasting.
Help me keep my eyes on You...the One who never changes and continues to
love me, just like always...
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