When I was a young’n, watching “The Adventures of Lois and
Clark” was a family affair. Caleb loved
the superhero interchange (it was about Superman...in case you are unfamiliar)
and Faith and I (especially – although Amelia as the fourth was forced to join)
would be swept into the continuous story and drama line. Superhero or unfolding plot line as a
secondary realization, however, years after my last episode and some
clips still sit familiar as if the memory was fresh and new.
It seems curious...the clips a memory revives long after it
first registers it. The clips that would
have made a strange impression as a child that now seem to be recalled with
familiarity and truth. There was one
episode – late in the series – where Lois (now knowing Clark ’s
true identity) and Clark were married.
They were vacationing or something of the like when Clark
heard something. Off in a distance was a
cry for help. He was stuck. Did he respond to the call because he knew,
because he could, because he should? Or
did he stay back with his wife? After
all, he just wanted to be Clark Kent . But he was also Superman...so was there any
choice to be made at all? Who would most
need to forgive Superman?
It was this short clip from my memory and these and similar questions
which plagued me this week. Because,
suddenly, the answers could be personal.
You see, it all started when I was having an off Monday (which flowed into an especially busy week with days which were not 'off' just over-full). I don’t
let myself have “off days” and I was increasingly grumpy not at the day but at
my own bad attitude. I was mad at the
fact I couldn’t force myself into a better mood, that I was letting (and had
let...) people down, that in my need to have someone come in allow me to have
an off day...I couldn’t be the strong shoulders to lift up someone else. Two of
my coworkers who know me best and whom I worked most closely with this last
week challenged my inability to get a grip on my world. Separately of each other both coworkers
looked my directly in the eyes stating “No one expects you to be Superman,
Anika...”
Except, well, except I do...
I have long since been accused of having a superman complex. I have a desire to save the world. Most specifically, yours. If I know you...then I literally mean your
world. I’ll admit I’m a fixer but much more
than a desire to come in and solve what is wrong, mostly I just want to answer
your cry for help. I care, I try, I invest, I want to be there for you – if at all I can be, no questions
asked. People need people in their lives
who can be superman for them from time to time.
Argue as you well, but you know it is true. I’ve wanted to be a superman for the proverbial
or literal you. Regardless of the time of day or the time it would take. Regardless of what I had to put aside or move
out of the way...I’ve tried to prove to you that you are important, that you
matter to me, that you are worth whatever I have to give...whenever you need it
most. Work, mentorees, a family wedding,
friends, plans, dreams, investments, the human race...bring it on.
All of this typically means I expect more out of myself on
others’ accounts than anyone actually expects out of me. But I’ve set myself up for the kill...because
I like being Superman. I like rushing in to save the day. I like to be the servant and the encourager –
I think God wired me this way and so it’s okay to like to act out of that
wiring. And, furthermore, I don’t know
how I can hear or see a cry for help and not do what I can if at all I’m
able. I can’t just “sit there” if there
is an opportunity to stand. A piece of me, for better or worse, is Super[wo]man.
But with such come the questions. And the problems...
If you’re Superman, don’t you have to do whatever you can if
at all you are able? [What about when I
want to save the day...and can’t?] Do the people who know you best as most
human forgive your absence and unusually distant tendencies? [Those who only know me only as Anika shake
their head and chuckle at my need to take off at a moment’s notice, to sleep less
to accomplish more, to be all – all of the time. They don’t understand.] Do those who only see
you as their superman...if you were missing when they needed you most, would
they ever forgive you for needing to be human?
[There are some who only know me as the Anika who comes in to save the
day, whatever that might mean. Whether
they intend to or not – they make me their superhero. And they are the most let down when my
inability to actually do all and be all leaves them wondering where I’ve been...]
Do those who see and understand the pull between the two sides...are they the
ones most lost and most hurt by the fact you feel unable to be their hero – but
also unable to be their human, their you, their friend? [And perhaps this question hurts the greatest. The people I want to be there for the most I often
feel are caught in the crossfire...left behind my by inability to be their hero or
their friend...]
And what about when I just can’t be Superman any more? When working 15-hour days followed by more
work is too much? When I’m weeks behind
on the correspondence that used to be consistent and intentional? When I can’t
send all of the emails or make all of the calls? When I can’t run the errands, schedule the
plans, devise another idea, make one more stop or drive one more hour? When I can’t check in, when I can’t counsel,
when I can’t advise, when I can’t be simply the listening ear? When I can’t finish the project or a book or
remember if I have hobbies? When I’m not sleeping and I’m not eating and I’m
not releasing and I’m still leaving the world disappointed by my inability to
be the conqueror? What about then? Will I be allowed to be Anika? Will I be allowed to step out and to step
back? To hole away in hiding where I
read and write and sleep and run but talk to no one until I can handle life
again?
Because regardless of what I want to be and what I am some
times convinced others expect me to be...I’m not actually Superman.
What if I just want to be Anika? The human.
The normal. The kind of kid that
has bad days occasionally where she doesn’t want to be around people or at
work. The kind of kid who wants to be
selfish and take time for herself. The
kind of kid who actually only knows how to and feels like she should say ‘yes’ but says ‘no’
when she wants to. The kind of kid who
wants to just step back and step out and not feel guilty about whether she’s
had time to be intentional and the initiator. What if...?
And what then?
Would the world, my world, be able to forgive superman? Should they have to?
1 comment:
And the complex is mine as well... when I forget that in trying to live like Christ, I've become confused and have tried to take His place - the Real Superman. And, my dear, you are forgiven for not actually being superman. The Real Superman is the one who needs no forgiving...
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