An Honest Post

Just now, I thought about updating my facebook status and I desperately wanted to write the words “I miss Jesus...” into the little text box. 

“Why?” you might be asking...

Well, because of all of the things going through my mind and heart and life right now, that is the truest description.  I miss Jesus. It was the only thing I felt compelled to write.

And so now you might be asking “so why not post it then if it compels you so?”

Because, if we’re going to be honest, I probably care too much what others think.  And I have this feeling that if I had posted just that, someone would probably think I was down in the dumps or needed to be encouraged or reassured...or something. 

Something tells me, based on my past experiences, that I couldn’t write those three words without facebook messages asking me what was wrong or comments about how close Jesus was – I just needed to remember and find myself wrapped in His presence.  How much He loved me.  How much others loved me.  How I needed to take the time to connect to my Savior. 

Yep. I know.  I know all of those things. They would have all been well-meaning and true reminders.  But also not enough and not the point. 

The truth is, despite what I know and what others could remind me of, the sum whole of the situation is simply that I miss Jesus.  The statement is what it is and for the most part, it stands alone.

I miss Jesus.  I KNOW He is active and present in my life. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW that He promised to never leave me or forsake me and so He is not really so far away.  I KNOW lots of things.  But, I still just miss Him.

I feel distant.  And He feels far away. I know He is near and I’ve watched Him bat from my corner and I’ve watched as He has shown up quite clearly through the hands and voices and ears and faces of others in my life over the last few weeks.  And still...

I miss Jesus.

Whenever I get to a point of this honest admittance, I know it is my fault.  I think about the last time I made an honest effort to meaningfully connect to the God I love and the Savior I claim...the one whom I now so desperately wish for...  I think and I know.  I know that if I’m really honest... 

If I’m honest, I can’t remember the last time I sat down with my Bible to simply connect. Not to look something up or double check a reference or do a quick bit of research but to just read the words from the One that loves me best. 

If I’m honest, I can’t remember the last time I prayed the conversational prayer that used to remind me that Christ was my best friend.  The prayer time where I could spend a two hour drive in an empty car telling Him everything in my life and the lives of all those I knew and cared about.  Where I could pause and bask in the silence and wait for His whisper.  A natural and comfortable time to talk and listen.  Instead my prayers feel like rushed attempts to beg Jesus not to leave, to show up, to hold me as I feel incapable of making it through the day.

If I’m honest, my journal – my previous default when other areas of connecting to my Jesus seemed lacking – sits nearly empty and the existing entries matter little.  Writing is dull and lacking the passion of the girl who used to figure out where God was working in her life...through her fingers.

If I’m honest, I spent some time this morning reading through some old journals and blog posts and being a little amazed and embarrassed knowing they were my words and words I couldn’t have written if I were not intentionally connected to the source.  Connected to where Jesus was at in my life. Embarrassed because I don’t think I could have written those things this morning if I tried...

If I’m honest, it is Sunday...just after noon and I am sitting in my living room in my pajamas.  David Crowder is playing from my iPod and speakers but the words seem hollow.  Worship music seems superficial.  I didn’t go to church – or make the effort to.  And if I’m really being honest, I haven’t made the effort towards church attendance since returning to the Doh this fall.  I spent a while looking for a church last spring and came up short and unimpressed.  I got it into my mind that going to a church where I left with the dry taste of stale bread crumbs...served to me in the company of strangers who didn’t care one way or the other that I was sitting next them... instead of feeling fed, was useless.  If I was only going because I felt I had to and because others thought I should, obligation wasn’t reason enough.

If I’m honest, I have a few incredible and meaningful friendships.  People who remind me verbally and physically that they love me, care for me, are proud of me, will be there for me.  But if I’m being honest, I haven’t had an incredible or meaningful conversation about matters of faith in weeks with any of them.  Jesus comes up.  But He’s not the topic or the endeavor.  I haven’t prayed with another person in as long or longer.  With church attendance all but non-existent, the meeting together of believers to encourage and propel one another in the faith and to press on toward the goal of Christ Jesus seems to also leave a gaping hole. 

If I’m honest, I know that at the root, I’m too busy.  I work long days with long hours and struggle to make time for other things that should probably matter... like sleep and laundry.  Let alone things that are really important.  I work hard to go out of my way to love and to serve and to be invested and intentional in the lives of others.  And I wake up realizing that if I were doing it for anyone but Jesus, it would be worthless – and far too exhausting – to continue.  And yet I’m reminded of a quote that states “It is possible to be so busy in service to Christ as to forget to love Him”...

If I’m honest, I’d have to admit that I’m not really trying. Quality time is my highest love language.  If I feel loved, someone has given me quality time.  If I give love – it is either a direct act or an exact outsourcing of my time.  I miss Jesus but none of my time goes to the actual pursuit of spending time together.  Of growing our relationship.

If I’m honest...I have no idea why I am being so honest or why I am about to post it.  If I’m honest, I hate the fact that this honest post will give a chance for my interested or curious world to know that not only am I not perfect (big shocker there) but that somehow I’m even less perfect than what I would hope them to think and know.  If I’m honest I would have rather have thought of something meaningful to say that might have alluded to the fact that Jesus and I are just fine.  Blossoming even.  Than have you know that I feel...stuck.

If I’m honest, I desperately don’t want to be reminded of cliché and rote answers about God’s presence and His faithfulness.  Not about things I already know.  Because I do know them – beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Jesus and I aren’t fighting.  We’re just not close.  I hate it but it is what it is as I sit and I type.  If I’m honest, I don’t desire to feel this far away from Christ but I also want it to be okay to admit that I am...without feeling like the only solution is for the distance to be immediately fixed with another easy answer. 

If I’m honest, I don’t have anything else to say but this seems like a useless way to end a spiel of so many words...

If I’m honest, really honest, I miss Jesus.  I simply miss Him.  And if I’m honest, I don’t know where to start doing anything about it...