I spent considerable time while at my grandparents reflecting on what it meant to “be a Kasper”. I’m old enough to see things I didn’t see before and analytical enough to look into words and situations and one of my profiled strengths is that of a connector and I began to put together pieces. As grandma told stories and grandpa gave me instructions in the green house, as I watched my grandparents interact and both respond to life as it came, I began to look for where I fit into the beautiful mess.
I wish I had an opportunity to meet my Grandpa Baas and more time to spend with my Grandma Baas...as I know I am just as much them as I am the Kasper which gives me my namesake. I know my whit and quirk is my Grandma B’s. I am convinced how much I love to learn and read and my aptitude for arbitrary and useless information is hers as well. If I had to guess, some of my zest and intrinsic uniqueness and appreciation for the less-than-ordinary came from her. I like to think that my desires to live generously and to love people authentically (not that my Kasper grandparents don’t, by any means, Grandma B was just known for those things...) could have been passed down to me as well. I know some of my indirectness, “addictive” nature, and propensity towards saving everything (less attractive features) probably came from her too.
And I do know that while I am very “Baas”, I’m almost all Kasper. I’ve watched it come through the more and more time I spend with my grandparents. There is no mistaking who I am. Somewhere in the middle of this pondering came the reminder of a quote which reads: “You teach what you know. You reproduce who you are.” Hmm...
As grandpa pointed to seedlings and showed me how to transplant and I took to the dirt, I thought “I could do this. I could be a horticulturist like grandpa if I wanted to be...” I didn’t want to be...but I was capable after some simple instructions. Most people would not step up to a greenhouse work bench and start transplanting, but they probably could too if my grandfather was standing there next to them as well...showing how to wedge a hole, separate the roots, replant the small green flower want-to-be. But that wouldn’t make them a Kasper. You teach what you know. (And I’ve learned a lot from my grandpa.) But you reproduce who you are...
My grandpa is stubborn and bull-headed and proud. If it is his idea, it is the best. If it was your idea first, it will have to be his brand new, second to be the one implemented. He takes life by the horns and doesn’t let anyone else’s ‘no’ get in the way of his made-up mind. He does what he wants... and asks for permission later (if ever at all). Grandpa strives towards excellence and works hard. He wants things done well (and tells you when they aren’t up to par). He’s critical. Independent and obstinate, he is the breathing embodiment of ‘if you want something done right, you do it yourself!’ He is intentional and committed, loyal and credible. Grandpa’s ‘yes’ is ‘yes’ and his ‘no’ is ‘no’ and if he says he’s going to do something, he will. If he doesn’t think he can follow through, he makes no promises.
If I spend too much time thinking about these pieces of my grandfather’s character, I start to laugh. Looking at him is looking in a mirror. The outlets are different but the root the same. I am stubborn and critical (sometimes this is good, other times...not so much). No one can change my mind if I’ve made it up. I work hard and I want what I do to be done well. I follow through, (literally to a fault). I would rather do it right the first time than delegate. If I have an idea, I like mine best.
My grandma is a Kasper by choice. And after 51 years, much more Kasper than not. She is dedicated. Faithful. Patient. Selfless. She puts aside what she wants to work on consistently to help my grandpa. She’s exacting and precise – after cooking for decades; she still follows recipes “just so”. She is a servant and gives of herself willingly but tries to hide how much she enjoys when something she did (aka: the cake at the funeral luncheon that the boys couldn’t get enough of) makes other people smile. She grasps on to the small details and her grandkids know they’re loved when she remembers little things (like which one of us would rather have her banana bread or cheesecake or ginger snaps over anything else...). She is also insecure, unsure. She wants the approval of others and doubts herself consistently until that approval is met. Whether it is years of grandpa’s exacting standards or part of her nature (stories from her childhood would point to the latter), she wants to measure up. But grandma is feisty. Adamant. Determined. Ready to take on projects...wants to see them finished. She fights for things that matter to her and ‘sticks to her guns’ when confronted with something contrary to what she believes to be right and true.
Some of who my grandmother is I see in myself. Some I want to see. I am unsurprised by my love for finding little ways to make people smile and remembering the little details about people which help me accomplish it. My need for my own projects and my adamant determination? Grandma’s. My fight to the death for things I care about? Grandma’s. I hope her dedication and selflessness and the faithful and patient way she serves and comes alongside [my grandpa] can be things to be said true of me as well. I want them to be true of me but I will question it...because I want to measure up and will doubt myself until I have the approval of others...
All of those things...from my Grandpa and Grandma K and my Grandma Baas? Those aren’t things you teach. You don’t sit down and say: “today kids, we’re going to talk about how to be as stubborn as a mule.” I mean, you could, if you knew about it. But that doesn’t make kids stubborn. No more so than giving a day seminar on being a servant leader. I mean, you could, if you knew something about it. But talking about service and selfless abandon doesn’t make perfect little helpers or world-changing leaders. I am who I am as a “Kasper” (with Baas heritage) not because I was taught how to be a Kasper (although sometimes I was told straight out “You’re a Kasper! Act like it!”), but because it is a part of who they are, it was modeled for me, demonstrated, embodied. You live what you know. I am because they are. You reproduce who you are...
So where am I going with this? Good question. I’m not sure I’m certain. It is just that I realized I know lots of things. I am the keeper of enough random, arbitrary, and useless information to keep my Puerto Rico team giving me that amused and bewildered eyebrow smirk for a really long time. Furthermore, I have a lot of right answers...about how to do life even! I talk to my teenagers and impart truth and say wise things and watch and listen as they try to absorb all I want them to learn. I can teach what I know.
But what about who I am? I’m a Kasper. Clearly. This is day two of “what’s in a name?” We’ve got that one. What do I reproduce? The people who spend time with me...what are they becoming? I mean, perceivably, the more time you spend with me the more stubborn, determined, passionate, insecure, and clinically insane you will become. That’s who I am...but is there more?
Yesterday I wanted who I was to point back to who Christ is. I want people to see my identity and family line as Child of God as something told and true. So now what? Because I believe I am called to ministry. Do I teach about how much Jesus loves? Or is that love so much a part of who I am that those I minister to become pieces of love reaching hands into a broken world? Do I teach about grace or do I extend it to you and point to Grace which hung on a cross and died as the perfect atonement for the sin I deserve to die for? Do I teach about joy or does my life radiate with a peace which passes understanding and a lifestyle which says praise is choice and is always the choice to be made, regardless of circumstances? Do I teach or do I live? Any old scholar can teach a lecture hall class on theology, will my life stand to personify? Can I be in ministry if the things I “know” aren’t true of me? Well sure. Bobble-headed and fantastically brilliant pastors are a quarter a dozen (inflation and all). But the ‘so what?’ factor is missing. Isaiah 29:13 (then quoted in Matthew 15:8 and Mark 7:6) says “you honor me with your lips but your hearts are far from me” and 1 John 2:6 says “if you claim to be in Him, you will walk as Jesus walked” and it is proceeded in verses 3 and 4 with “We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, ‘I know him,’ but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person.” The first verse tells us that knowing things and being things are separate. The second that claiming things comes with a response. The third that if we don’t act out of truth we claim, the truth isn’t a part of who we are. In short? True ministry will come if I am reproducing who I am...and who I am is centered in who Christ is...not merely if I can teach what I know.
I am a Kasper. No two ways about it.
If I say I am a Christ Follower with the same certainty, would it be reflected in what I do? In who I am? In who YOU are? If not in who you are, have I taught the truth and not lived it? Because I can teach what I know, but I can only reproduce who I am...
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