I was just thinking...
As I often do.
And I had a thought.
A novel thought really.
One of drastic consequence and impossible implementation.
Because, you see, my thought was a proposition. A question. It went something along the lines of:
“What would happen if for a day, just one day, I could record every thought I ever had? What if for one day, 24 hours, every musing, every pondering, every question, every observation, every thought could be recorded? Jot down. Forever marked in such a way as to be revisited?”
What would this look like?
What would this mean?
I began to wonder what such a list of mine would say. As one who is always preoccupied with one deliberation or another, I imagined this would be a fascinating list. I tried to keep track of even just my last five or six thoughts at that point and was relatively amused and intrigued by my findings:
“Wow that water gets hot really fast!”
“Man, I love to floss.”
“I hate switching water. I always breakout! What happened to my clear complexion?”
“Wait! Her name is Alexandra! Ali is short for Alexandra not Allison! I’m such a dipwad! Anika, you suck!”
“Stop looking at yourself in the mirror! You’re going to bed and you aren’t going to get any better. Check again in the morning.”
“If I didn’t feel so sick, I would totally go for a bowl of cheerios right now.”
“Why do I always have to pee 8000 times before I can go to sleep?”
And that was just from the minute or two before. All that plus the ones I could not keep a hold of. Already I had missed some. The impossibility seemed to be the over-arching drum of defeat. There was no way I was going to be able to accomplish such an ambitious plan.
Yet, after contemplating what a task, what a challenge it would be to embark upon such an endeavor, I was quite struck by the ramifications that would result. The conclusions that could be drawn.
What things I would be able to learn about myself if I could detail every thought! How man things are silly? How many of them serious? How many of the thoughts I think make no sense at all? How often am I scared? How often am I worried? What things do I say over and over in my head so that I can get them right when they come to my lips...so I won’t say something wrong? What would I be ashamed of thinking? What would be the re-runs? What actually consumes my time and attention? How does what I say really compare to what I think?
And I was struck, struck by the potentiality that if I could access a list of all of my thoughts from just one day...then perhaps others could access them as well. It drew out a panic I had only briefly encountered for the same reasons.
What would happen if, just for a day, all of my thoughts were on display?
What would I try to retract? To rationalize?
What would I be embarrassed to admit? Would I have to claim the thought that said that boy was cute or that the other was sweet?
What I be in trouble for some of my thoughts? Who would yell at me first for the pile of times I decide I despise myself, hate what I look like, or cringe at how inarticulately I spoke?
Who would ridicule the stories I tell? Who would decide I was okay to be around...having access to the thoughts I never say out loud? And who would reject my friendship for reasons just the same?
And the answers to my questions scared me. Caught me off guard and made me wonder if any of my thoughts would ever be okay.
But I was just thinking...
As I often do.
Because I had a thought.
A novel thought really.
One of drastic consequence and impossible implementation.
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