Longing to be Satisfied...

Lately,
[And by ‘lately’ I allude to many of the last several weeks]
I've felt...

Empty.

Like there is something hopelessly missing from the core of whom I am.

At first I was ravenous for the things I thought myself to be lacking.
I was eagerly
seeking,
searching,
fighting,
For the likes of ambition and of dreams,
of spiritual refreshment and nourishment,
of peace and of joy,
of rest...

The energy I’ve put into finding those things leaves me drained – only further depleting the store I have of whatever I think it is I need.

I’ve come to this state of resignation.
I recognize this as a pattern in my life.
Whenever something appears to lose the hope of the desired answer, I simply resign myself to the fact it must simply be the way life is or must be.
I stop fighting.
And subsequently lose the passion that there is anything worth fighting for.
That there ever was.
In a word,
I guess resignation is a lot like giving up.

In trying to explain to this to someone a week ago, I was greeted by honest surprise.
“Little if not a fighter...”
“Full of tenacity...”
“Energy, passion, resilience...”
She stumbled over her words trying to give me what I was known by, defined by; in attempts explain the reasoning for the shock evident on her face. Not dismay...just surprise.

But I guess I haven’t totally cashed in my chips.
I’m resigned...
But still unsettled.
I’m no longer fighting...
But part of me is still longing.

Part of me is still longing.
Longing to be fulfilled.
Longing to be satisfied.
Perhaps satisfied by what is in genuine contentment...
But really, honestly,
I long to be satisfied by something more...
I know “more” exists, I know it’s there.
If ever I could find it.

In my longing I’ve settled for the temporary.
Allowing what is to settle the rattling in my soul...
For a moment or a time.
But that’s not what I long for.
I long to be satisfied by something more.
Something transient
Something true.
How do I take hold of the life being offered me?
Truly take hold?

As I’ve been stuck in this longing not to be empty
This longing to be satisfied...

There are two passages with curiously connecting themes which challenge my need for the transient over the temporary. Psalm 63 and John 4 over the last week have captured my thoughts and imagination...
If only I could capture the truth which lies inside...
If only I could articulate how to take hold of the life being offered me...