I am a Lover

When I came to Spring Arbor as a freshman over three years ago I was awkward. Socially, my skills needed some...refining. I thought maybe I was comfortably a loner...a natural introvert. I thought I was destined to never be in close relationship. I thought I didn’t know how to interact. I thought I didn’t know how to be a friend...let alone make a friend. In the end, I just didn’t know how to love...or, for that matter, be loved.

The process of chipping the icy shell covering my existence was a painful process. I truly did not know how to open myself to other people’s care and, try as I might, I was unsure of how to go about caring.

Slowly but surely, however, my resistance came unglued. I recognized myself and my actions in light of love languages. People saw by investment. I was a doer. I loved by serving. I did things in order to try and prove to you that I cared.

And I, I needed you. I needed your presence. My need was rooted in deep insecurity. No one had really ever come into my life and stayed. If I felt loved, it was the result of someone who was willing to come and spend quality time with me.

But there were a few things I was unresponsive too. Gift giving – I didn’t even know where to start there. And then, well, I was articulate – but unable to share words of affirmation. I didn’t know how to tell you I appreciated you, admired you, wanted you in my life. I didn’t know how to encourage you. I didn’t know how to be encouraged.

And physical touch? You’re kidding, right? No one could touch me. No one was allowed near enough to make it into my personal bubble. I flinched at a pat on the back. Cringed at a hug. Endured touch if given...and never gave. Ever.

So it’s been three years. And I stop to consider how much my heart breaks – because I have found a means within side me which not only cares but feels deeply. My heart breaks, because I love. And I want to love. Some days I wake up and pout at the list of things I “must” accomplish. Because...I would much rather just love on people instead.

I have since stared to think about what it meant for me to love on people. If I wanted to do nothing but love on people for a while...what would it look like? And my response? “EVERYTHING!” Or mostly...

I am stuck on writing these encouragement notes every week... a few standards and then an assortment of others...because I just want people to know they are thought about, appreciated. I want to bring you cupcakes; I want to come up with a way to bring you “snow”; I want to put little gifts on your door for 12 days straight. I will bend over backwards for you on any given day. I will cover for your shift, work on something so you can go to bed (even though it means I won’t get to sleep), make the decorations, try to lighten your load...I still want to serve. I still want quality time...I am going to look for opportunities to be with you...whether it means just “being”, or it means we are doing or giving alongside one another. And, I want to physically show love. I’m not very good at it yet. I don’t think to give the hug first...but I want to. I want to love on you this way.

Perhaps the world, this world, has shown me how to love. It taught by example a loving life where it was possible to serve, to give to, to be with, to affirm, and to touch. I’ve learned to feel loved in all of these ways. I’ve learned to treasure the smallest of notes with the smallest affirmation – reminders I am valued. I’ve learned to feel cared for and not helpless when others do for me. I’ve learned to love it when someone pats my head or touches my shoulder. I’ve learned to feel loved when someone wraps their arms around me and holds on tight.

And I’m coming to find these things I have been taught...are becoming natural as responses. I want to do them. The more I love you (sounds awkward doesn’t it?), the more I grow in relationship with you, the more ways I am going to try to love on you. Sometimes in hopes you will reciprocate and sometimes, some days because I just want to love. I don’t choose one of them because it is my “love language” or even my “primary love language”. Instead I choose all of them because, without endeavoring towards it, I, I am a lover.