Ever get a song in your head that just won’t quit? I did today. But I don’t have that song in my files. So, I youtubed it. The song is irrelevant, the experience is not.
Somehow a related song brought me through a few loops until I ended up with videos placed in relationship to eating disorders. I clicked and watched in a tranced cringe. Some of them basically said “I’ll gladly have an eating disorder if I can just look like that...” Others said “I still have an eating disorder because I’m still fat...” Still others screamed subtly “Somebody love me, I just want to be beautiful.”
They made me so sick inside I begged to cry. The tears never released (per usual) and the dull nausea I had been experiencing for the last few hours blossomed as my head began to spin. Somewhat ironically, my course of action was to go throw up. It made the spinning in my head stop but not the raw ache gnawing at my heart.
In too many ways those videos hit too close to home. They were too painful. Too real. Too me. I know too much so the authenticity in the pictures, in the words cut too sharply, too deep. A single tear fell to my cheek as my immediate run away from the images in front of my brought me to a facebook flair reading "You're beautiful. I just wanted to remind you of that..." If only I could get others to believe that. If only I could believe it for me...
I’ve been begging for true passions to be revealed...and more than ever this summer I have had a hard time ignoring the fact something in me feels very deeply for my teenage girls. The ones I can claim and the ones I can’t. Body image is such a huge platform of mine. A ridiculous soapbox because of the way I’ve been impacted.
How do I act on this passion? How do I make it make a difference? And what if I can’t? What if I am scared because I know acting on it is going to mean admitting to myself and the world the things about myself I most hate?
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