"Wearing Your Pants Backwards:
Why You Don’t Have to Wait for
Hindsight to See 20-20,
Some Rambling Lessons on Trust."
That’s what I’ll name my next book. [If in fact I ever finish the latter of them
all. If in fact I start any of the later
for that matter.] And I think the whole
book will be about changing perspective.
Being proactive instead of reactive when it comes to investing in
people, in relationships, in ministry.
It’ll be about trust.
Last week I wore my pants backwards for the entirety of a
day. I don’t know what compelled me to
do this exactly (although my pants stayed on for the first time in many days
with the changed angles) other than the fact it came up at cabin leader
training and I had a group of kids who it was extra fun to be goofy and silly
with. I only actually intended to wear
them backwards through breakfast but when their amused befuddlement became the
utmost for my own amusement, I had to keep going. The fact every time my students saw me
it confused them more, somehow made the whole ordeal that much funnier and that
much better.
The day ended when an energetic camper came up to
me stating “Anika! I have a joke!” “Go
for it!” I replied enthusiastically.
“What’s blue and backwards and unzipped?” Without hesitating I chuckled and responded
“My pants!” *brief pause* *gasp* “My pants!!!!”
As I reached for my bum where my zipper had been located all day my
young charge laughed contagiously and responded “just kidding! But we got you!” Admittedly after the color returned to my
face (it had drained), her contagious laughter was joined by my own and I find
the entire situation and joke hysterical.
Even if I probably won’t make wearing my pants backwards a life
decision.
The next day, Thursday, realizing just how attached I had
become to these students (both cabin leaders and campers alike) – I nearly had
a meltdown. The realization that is true
of every week became somehow unbearable this time around: I get these kids for three or four or five
days at best and I have to send them home.
I found myself roller-coastering through what my dear friend and co-work
called “proud mom” and “anxious mom” moments.
Proud mom times where I would merely watch and begin to
smile and almost laugh. Their joy and
dedication, their love for life and friendship with each other was infectious. They were my kids. I loved them. And I was indeed proud of who
they were and who I saw them becoming.
And other times, other times, anxious mom broke in. It was like watching with my pants on
backwards. The perspective was all
off. I was looking forward and looking
beyond as if I were looking behind. This
is where the meltdown happened. Because
as I watched out and looked at a room full of kids, MY kids, I suddenly had
this vision of who they would be as high schoolers, as adults. I had a notion about what they would look
like, be like. I was seeing who they
would become. And it scared the snot out
of me. First because my room was full of
6th graders not teenagers or college kids...I shouldn’t be “seeing”
anything. And second and mostly because
I could see the picture but I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control who they would
become. I couldn’t walk along side them
for the next 10 years of their life. I
couldn’t dictate which of these kids would end up an alcoholic or in an abusive
relationship. I couldn’t stop the girl
who would statistically get pregnant before she graduated or the boy who’d drop
out addicted to drugs. I didn’t get a
say.
I was seeing 20-20, or so it felt. The truth is such clarity it started to destroy me. Seeing how each little piece of their day,
their life was being currently impacted.
Something I only should have been able to see in reverse I was suddenly
hopeless in preventing from the front.
With my zipper to the back I felt most unable to guard and protect the
most vulnerable pieces. And like my
camper who laughed that it was already down, I was convinced I had somehow left
exposed all of the lives I so desired to protect.
But life is about, among many other greater things which
find home inside this one, perspective.
And on Friday morning as my computer crashed with the messages for the
youth retreat I was speaking at unable to be retrieved and my kids going home
and my high schoolers making this girl so proud of their leadership and love
and investment, I just stared. I should
have panicked. It’s what I do best. My anxiety level should have skyrocketed...I
am an expert in the field of acting out of situational anxiety. But I didn’t; it didn’t. I simply stared. Tired and defeated I realized I held no control. Over anything. And so I simply stared and began to talk
out loud.
[I feel it necessary to note that I don’t think I’ve ever
audibly heard the voice of God, but I often have conversations where I realize
I’m answering out loud to things no one has said. Things God is speaking gently into the chaos
of my spirit. Our conversation on Friday
morning went a little and a lot like this...]
“God, I don’t even know what to do or where to start.”
“With what?”
“I have to send them home...”
“Yes...”
“But I can’t! They’re
mine!”
“Yours?”
“Yes, mine! I claim
them. I always claim them! But this week is was different. It’s harder.
Who they’ll become. I just, I can’t...”
“Were you faithful?”
“With what?”
“With them. Were you
faithful? Did you show them truth and
love them as much as able in the time you were given?”
“Yes. I mean, I don’t
know. I think so...”
“Then send them off.”
“But they’re my kids...”
“They were never your kids.
Not to begin with. They will
first and always be mine.”
“So what do I do?”
“What are you going to do?”
“What choice do I have but to give them back to you?”
“Be faithful with the time you’ve been given, but choose to
trust me...”
Choose to trust.
Because trust is a choice.
I don’t have to wait for hindsight to see in 20-20 if I can
wear my pants backwards from time to time.
If I can see in advance what typically I should only see in
reverse. If I am faithful in the moments
then I won’t have to look back to see where I was the missing link in the
future I can’t control. Perhaps I’ll be
able to look back and see where maybe one faithful moment was enough to change
the whole trajectory. To be faithful in
the now and to trust that they’ve always been God’s...if they were never mine
to begin with.
Start where you are.
Use what you have [and the grace you have been given]
Do what you can.
It will be enough...
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